I'm feeling alone today. My husband was home but there was more to pick up when I tidied the house. Every time he turned the corner, I was back in charge of everybody. This didn't feel like a break or extra help, it felt like more work.
I took my baby and middle daughter for a walk this afternoon. I made a commitment to myself to walk everyday. walking gives me time to think or brood or pray. I was thinking about how someone I know, recently inherited a lot of money. I thought what if we inherited a lot of money? We could pay off our debt, enroll our child in the school we want her to go to, put some in savings, build the extra bedroom we want. It would be nice to have some sense of peace in our lives.
God has provided for us. We did inherit some money out of the blue awhile ago. We did pay some debt down and put some in savings. but its never enough. we always could use more.
Before all of this happened with our youngest daughter and her diagnosis, I was trying to decide what I wanted to do for my career. I have an undergraduate degree in Comparative Religious Studies and Anthropology. I loved to travel and learn about other cultures. This is what led us to India years ago. Then Our oldest daughter started to have trouble in school when we enrolled her upon our return to America. She was so smart, but not keeping up. This led me to a long search for answers and more questions as to how to help kids succeed in school when they learn differently. This led to my master's degree in Special Education. Now I was a stay at home mom. something I had always wanted to be. I had desperately prayed for my children. But I found myself still wanting to return to an academic world. I tossed around ideas of graduate school. But never sure of how to narrow my interests. so as I type my blog, I think I have finally found a great outlet for myself to be able to write all the essays that have been sitting inside me for years.
Friends of mine have talked about their prayer closets. A place to hide away by yourself and pour your heart out to God. In our small house, there are not many places to hide away in. I find I do my best thinking in the shower. I cry out to God in there drowned out by the loud roar of the water. God has spoken to me through analogies, people, and dreams. I constantly seek his guidance.
It's 9:43 pm and I feel like our days are just too short. We are to seek God's priorities for each day and only do those, but even with just home management, here I am late finally taking time for myself. This is a season, I know, but I need more breaks.
Then I had the thought today, what if when my diabetic daughter is 35 and is careless and doesn't monitor her sugar levels and what if something bad happened? A friend told us how they knew someone that passed away because they didn't manage their diabetes well. How will I be able to let go and trust her to take care of herself so that this disease doesn't became fatal?
I still feel like not a lot of people understand what it is to live a new life like this. We, in this club, know how horrendous it can be. But other well wishers have already faded off into the wood work. I feel like saying "But we are still going through a lot! We still need help too! " But no one hears. well some do. I can't look a gift horse in the mouth, but I find myself getting jealous when I see someone else in need and they get help offered left and right and I feel like we are already forgotten.
I feel like I'm whining and complaining. I guess I am. I am. I still feel so burdened. I feel like Moses telling God that I have a speech impediment. I'm not the one to give a speech, let alone talk to the king! I'm not the guy for the job. That's me. I want the job but I don't want the job. It's so much responsibility.
I'm actually taking our sweetie for a speech assessment tomorrow. We had been concerned about her speech development for about a year now and are finally able to get her formally assessed. Again, it feels like it pails in comparison to diabetes. but it is still important.
new hat for tomorrow. my special ed hat. no I don't see social awkwardness but she is speech delayed. but interestingly enough, since she is being treated for diabetes now, she is talking a lot more. she is definitely feeling better and maybe has more to say.
She is only three. what else does she want to say?
She loves to play with her dolls and organize her toys. She loves to sit with paper and have us draw our family out one by one and then cut them out into little paper dolls. She started this in the hospital. all over the hospital tray attached to the bed she had a mama doll, and a daddy doll, and the sister dolls and brother doll, and baby doll. We then made beds for each of them. Her whole family was with her in her hospital bed while she was probably bewildered and maybe even terrified as to what was happening and what was wrong with her body.
So I think what she would say is that family is the most important thing to her. Not how much she eats or what new toys she has or who stops by. As long as her family is intact and here and taking care of her, she is happy. that's what she needs.
thanks for the reminder.
no more whine, just bread. or wine and bread. today was communion at church but I was in the nursery with our baby. but communion is remembering when Jesus shed his blood for us. Our focus needs to be what he did for us so that we might do for others in return. I need to remember that God CHOSE me to lead my children and take good care of them. This is a big responsibility but he knew I could do this with his help.
My heart is always broken for children. When I taught, I was the great Shepherd for all of the lost children.
so enough about me. I need to focus on him and allow him to equip me for this job and lead my sweetie where he wants her to go. and yes, she is learning the words now to tell me.
But really, we need to just listen.
"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you." James 1:19-21
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