safety net gone

Today the doctor said that I have been doing an amazing job. amazing. her words. our daughter's numbers have been good again for the past few days. there are days that she still drops low or goes high, but the doctor feels confident that we know how to handle it when it happens. she told me that I no longer need to call her everyday and check in.

wow

safety net gone. or umbilical cord cut.

she asked if I was okay with this. why yes, I say. I had felt that our past phone conversations were a little unnecessary. I was explaining numbers to her. I recognize why she drops or jumps and know how to compensate. I don't panic anymore when she drops to a 75. yes 50. but not 75. I bought two bags of smarties. just in case. I take our meter with us even on twenty minute walks now, just in case. I will be training my teenager and mom, so I can avoid further panic attacks. (sorry, yes you will be trained).

I guess we have graduated to parents successfully handling child with diabetes. type 1 diabetes. juvenile diabetes. whichever term you prefer. chronic illness. disease.

some people still don't understand and assume we did something wrong raising her so that she developed this disease. I suppose that line of thinking protects them or their kids or grandkids. If we did something wrong, then they can prevent it. they are better parents. they won't have to start their own blog.

no one in our family has diabetes. It is a little perplexing to the medical staff that she developed this. but they don't blame us too. they just accept our ignorance to our family tree because it is genetic.

people still don't understand the difference between type 1 and type 2 diabetes. people immediately ask if we just have to watch what she eats. or make sure she has no sugar. or stop feeding her SO much sugar. because that might have caused this too, according to them.

Even looking at cookbooks for diabetes. It looks like most of it is geared towards type 2. As far as I understand right now, all we need to know is: carbs, serving size, and sugar grams. that's it. our day is regulated by checking her blood, sugar count, and insulin shots. not much cooking involved, but lots of math and reading.

some people think that we should be doing fine by now, because it's been four weeks, or we are home from the hospital, or she still runs when she plays. some people don't understand that just because she is doing well, doesn't mean I have lots of free time to take up knitting now. There is a lot of behind the scenes that goes into everyone doing well. my carefully detailed, spaghetti sauce stained journal will prove it. Or the bags under my eyes. or the milk left out over night, that didn't make it to the frig, because we are too tired to make sure that everything made it into the frig after the unloading of the car.

The doctor said we can call anytime we need to. we do have a lifeline. and she will understand. she has dealt with hundreds of us already. and probably hundreds more. as she weans one of us, she adds a few more. She handles the crisis, the teaching, the mentoring and then the release. She doesn't have a diabetic child but she has been on call for all of us worried parents for years. What people can't see is the dark lump that sits inside you as a parent. knowing that even though she is okay right now, she may not be in a few hours. or even though she has avoided the hospital for awhile now, she may be admitted again down the road. Even though we are administering insulin correctly now, we may make a mistake one day that could be fatal or at least a big problem.

you just don't know how things will end, but when your child is given the hang tag of a chronic disease. they suddenly become a little more mortal then the child sitting next to them. As any of the women I know that have had sick children or lost children, it is all borrowed time. That realization is something that can't ever go away. people can sympathize or be concerned or offer a meal, but until you have walked that walk, it is hard to understand how your life can change.

God is leading us somewhere. we have dealt with preemie babies, a child in a bodycast, and now diabetes. My heart breaks for myself and all of those other parents. None of us want our kids to have to deal with such harsh reality. They are supposed to just be thinking about building sandcastles and ballet skirts and butterfly nets. not hospital visits and bed pans and iv's.

The most amazing thing though, about these kids, is that they seem to be the most content, joyful, appreciative kids you will meet. Have they already figured out the meaning of life through their struggles? Do they already have their priorities in order? My friend that lost her daughter to cancer said that the kids in children's hospital had so many stories of angel sightings.

Perhaps God has already spoken to these children and gives them an extra dose of grace. So, our job is to watch God work through these kids and for us to keep pointing them back to how God protects them and takes care of them.

Our safety net is traded for faith. I didn't start living by faith until I was 27. My daughter could have 24 extra years of seeing God work. Praise God.

I continue to pray for my patience and letting God speak through me and to her. Amen.