Thursday, May 19, 2011
Today, she woke up under 200 and stayed between 200 to 300 all day. no corrections needed. no crazy 450 numbers. or even 500's!
I think maybe she is finally getting over the cold that she had. no runny nose today and no cough. her appetite was back today. in fact she was hungry! It reminded me of after she was diagnosed. Finally she was receiving insulin and the doctor had said that she would be really hungry for a while! That's what it seemed like today. better numbers and an appetite again!
Tonight I gave her some milk and a graham cracker for her bedtime snack. she still had insulin in her from her late dinner. I gave her a small shot for the bedtime snack and now she is asleep.
She finished her speech classes, yesterday. she really enjoyed them. she had a great teacher that was so kind to her. Every class, I let them know that I would be nearby, just in case. But only once, did I pick her up to find she was down to 80.
The last class, they read a book called "Mrs. Nash's wash". They colored pictures of clothing and got to hang them on the class' clothes' line. Then the teacher took their picture. so much fun.
The teacher said that she is recommending further services for her in the fall. I am thankful because I know she still needs them. In so many ways she is doing great, but she still needs support in her expressive language skills.
She is a fighter. From the beginning.
When we first found out that I was pregnant with twins, the doctor didn't detect a heart beat in her embryo with the ultrasound. He had commented, "well, you have another baby if she doesn't make it."
I thought "well now that I know she is there, how can I just dismiss her?!" She is my life now, created, waiting to develop! Well, she fought and survived!
Then her brother was bigger and born first. She had to stay in the NICU two weeks longer and kept having apnea. She would just stop breathing. The nurses would always say that is was not that big of a deal, most preemies had apnea at first. They just walk over and rub their tummies and get them breathing again.
Well, to me, the parent, it was more than just a big deal. She STOPPED breathing!! I couldn't think of anything more important!
She finally came home and did well. But then she was definitely quiet much more so than her brother and slow to use words. and then she really slowed down and that's when she was finally diagnosed with diabetes.
so, she continues to fight. she has a smile that lights up a room. She loves to organize her surroundings and is so nurturing. She is our sweetie pie.
"And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news." Romans 10:15
and that is our sweetie. we would have it no other way.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Our sweetie has a cold. I have the cold and had the stomach flu in the middle of the cold. (her endocrinologist, assured me though, that no, it is the same flu this year! inter viral.) my teenager has a cold now too, yet persevered through the Relay for Life weekend to raise money for cancer.
and we had sporadic fevers pass around the house.
Our sweetie has been running high throughout this. peaking over 500 at various times. her doctor adjusted her lantus and dinner ratio to help, but she is still peaking today. I will call doctor again for more advice.
I have been laying low, yet still maintaining house duties. My husband has been monitoring diabetes maintenance with advice from me and mom came over a few days last week after stomach flu onset.
I myself, may finally visit doctor to see if this a sinus infection that just won't go away.
My teenager stayed up until 2 am this morning registering for college classes as freshman time slot began at midnight. she is excited at the variety of schedules and choice of classes and is still on board for transferring as a sophomore to her college of choice.
Our sweetie woke me up at 2 am this morning, which is how I knew our teenager was still up. Our sweetie was in the hallway tinkling and crying. side effect of super high numbers = back to lots of tinkling like prior to diagnosis.
so we could use prayer for overall health in this home again!
My Bible study reminded me that again our purpose is to know God and to glorify God through our lives.
well last week, there were definitely moments that did not glorify God! When I am not running the household due to illness, things fall apart quickly!
But, Praise God! here we are.
My six year old today said "Holy cheezits!" I said "where did you hear that phrase?" She wasn't sure. Lots of guesses. tv. her cousin. I took the time to tell her that that phrase is a silly way of trying not to say something else that is using God's name in not a nice way. She asked why anyone would want to do that? I said that some people just don't know God and don't know that it is not nice to be mean to him. God tells us to revere his name and be respectful.
She had no idea that crackers could be so blasphemous.
A nice reminder. even through sickness. we may not mean to dishonor God. we may think what we are doing is justified. After all, I am sick. But God calls us for a better life. He will provide and take care of us. If we can overcome our human tendencies and just glorify him.
As we sat in church together yesterday, the same daughter, our six year old, who shared the cracker incident, was listening to the missionary from Nigeria speak. His name was Ezekiel. She grabbed a Bible and found the chapter of Ezekiel. She showed me, in delight. Ezekiel means "God makes strong". This man had many testimonies to this. He told of how dangerous life can be in Nigeria. There are many ways that you can lose your life there. yet he still chose a path of preaching God's word, which in itself, can put him at risk in a mostly Muslim area.
Through sickness, through strife, through diagnosis, we must always remember; who is in control.
The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When the wicked advance against me
to devour[a] me,
it is my enemies and my foes
who will stumble and fall.
3 Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.
4 One thing I ask from the LORD,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.
6 Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the LORD.
7 Hear my voice when I call, LORD;
be merciful to me and answer me.
8 My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
Your face, LORD, I will seek.
9 Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
God my Savior.
10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
the LORD will receive me.
11 Teach me your way, LORD;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
spouting malicious accusations.
13 I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
The school had given her over 2/3 of the money that she needed to pay for college, that was all in grant money! But we were still short. I had been walking into a store one day and saw two different people wearing t shirts with the name of that school on them. Wasn't that a sign?
We discussed all of the great reasons she should go there and the reasons she should stay home. we felt fairly confident that God was leading us to that school. But we were still short. We did not have the entire amount. should we take a leap of faith? One friend advised us to just jump and it should work out.
But we had just spent the last three years paying off lots of debt. The last thing I wanted to do was be stressed about where the last few dollars was going to come from again and then what would we live on? Our daughter could work all summer and save money. and she could have taken student loans to help but then we are putting our daughter into debt at the age of 18.
Our daughter wisely said that it wasn't worth it. She really wanted to go but also didn't see the financial gap as worth all of the stress to come up with the money. The junior college would be free this year and she would end up with money in savings. Pretty good deal.
But we had really thought that God was leading us down the path to that school and shutting all other doors along the way. But as the deadline to accept approached, God had not provided the full amount that we needed. My mom had agreed to help, but not all of it.
so I accepted the answer that she shouldn't go, but then began to look back on my life and question when I thought God had worked in other areas. Was I wrong about all of those too? Was I misguided this time? Is all of it just coincidence? Was I applying wishful thinking to just circumstances? I really wrestled with my faith because I really thought that I had been seeking God's leading.
I sat down to my Bible study and made notes. This is a big issue and God would surely speak to me about this.
I turned the page and this is what it said:
"Do not call to mind the former things, or ponder things of the past. Behold I will do something new" (Isaiah 43:18-19)
whether I was right or wrong in the past, it didn't matter. God was moving me forward now. God doesn't want us to feel guilt about our past. He frees us from that with his grace and forgiveness.
I prayed for God to show me where he had blessed me and directed me into his will. The point of his will for us to desire a relationship with him and our blessings are bi products of our relationship with him. He is a loving and protecting God and he wants us to be loved and be protected. He is not a genie.
First I had looked at decisions that I had made where I felt I had made mistakes then I began to look back on my life with new eyes. I looked for ways that I didn't ask for anything yet God provided for us completely with his own doing. No disputable claims. Just purely God.
Several things started to come to mind that reassured me that indeed God had been working in our lives for the past several years.
For example, when I had decided to homeschool my eldest daughter in fourth grade and not return to work. I received checks in the mail from the strangest places. A cash award for an essay I had written for the GRE. A bonus unemployment check that had been miscalculated. An overpayment for something that was refunded. All confirmation that I was doing the right thing and nothing that I could have dreamed up myself!
We had friends that came into our lives right before my dad passed away. They took our daughter for outings with their family. We had dinners with them. They treated us to a concert. They provided for us in so many ways in such a great time of need in my life.
I think about the dream that I had where God clearly showed me a certain person that was to guide me with a decision. The next day I ended up talking with that person by chance (God's divine appointment) and answering a decision that we had been pondering for awhile.
I think of when we were deciding to re enter our eldest in school and how we found out about the school that was to be for her and that they had just one opening in her grade and she could start that Monday.
I have made a long list in my Bible study of many things that came to mind and God confirmed that he does work and does lead us. Most often it is when we least expect it and we had nothing to do with it!
The college of our choice didn't work out but that is okay. I will keep my eyes open for what God is going to do next and we all feel relieved that we did not add new debt to our load. and God does not call us to go into debt for his service. So for that reason alone we feel good about our decision.
"Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him saying,"This fellow began to build and was not able to finish". Luke 14:28-30
Thank you Lord for saving us from the ridicule. and continuing to show us that even when we aren't sure, you will, reassure us.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Tonight was the first time that I have seen my father in law since our sweetie was diagnosed. He doesn't really understand what type 1 diabetes involves or know all the details of what happened when our daughter was diagnosed. He lives hours away and this was the first time we were able to show him her syringes, her meter, her candy supply, the photos of her hospital stay, the scare when the doctor looked me in the eye and told me that I had to rush my sweetie to the hospital almost an hour away.
He said to me that that must have been a shock.
I had to clear my throat and regain my momentum and answer "yes".
It was heartwrenching. more than a shock. I will never forget that day sitting on the chair with wheels, trying to clutch the phone receiver in my hand with the curly cord dangling down to the phone base. not allowing me to move too far away from the desk. while my daughter sat on the floor playing with her little toy. sitting quietly just watching me. looking up at me with trust in her eyes. not sure of what was to come next. all the while her body was sitting there slowly destroying itself. there she sat looking at me dying.
I didn't know that. that heart wrenching pain of being a mom and wanting to protect your children from everything you can and to find out that you have failed. that she is really really sick and it is out of your control.
Today my daughter told my husband that she is excited to see her grandpa because she gets to tell him about her diabetes!
she is weathering the storm.
how am I doing? getting there.
I carry the weight, she goes out and plays.
and that is how it is supposed to be for all children. we deal with the adult stuff like doctor phone calls, knowledge of worst case scenarios, how we will pay the bills, midnight force feedings. they sleep soundly.
to all of us mothers this mother's day that carry extra loads to make sure that our children have great days in spite of obstacles that we all face.
Monday, May 2, 2011
When I take our sweetie to speech and leave brother home, that can work well but then she is in a speech class for an hour with uncertainty. So I stay nearby, like a hovering mother, ready for anything to happen.
Today the weather was really warm again. She had lunch before we left the house, but she didn't want to eat much. My husband had given her 1/2 unit for the food she had eaten but I had a feeling that soon she would be dropping because she didn't eat a lot. And he gave her diet soda at lunch instead of milk. Lots of carbs that she usually has to sustain her were missing today.
I tested her when we arrived at the school, as I always do. She was 212. For her, lately, when ever she is right around 200, she might as well be 80. She tends to drop fast. She seemed tired today too. The heat, and it is nap time, even though she doesn't nap anymore.
I walked her in to her class and told the teacher that she seemed tired today and may drop so I would stay nearby on a bench and take care of some business.
I ended up talking on the phone with my mom about our big college decision. The class finally walked by to head to the playground for play time. I waved "Hi!" as they went by and kept talking.
Soon they were headed back again. I waved "Hi!"and finished up my conversation.
I headed over to the class and waited for them to be dismissed.
It's funny watching how the highs and lows affect my little spitfire of a sweetie. When she was 400 one day at speech, she came running out of her classroom when class was over and I had to grab her hand as she steered me in the direction she wanted to go.
Today, she walked out of the room and slowly walked the wall next to me as her teacher updated me on her progress. I commented to her teacher, how her behavior could be observed based on how she was feeling too. The higher she got, the more out of control she got. Today we could talk and I wasn't worried where she was headed. She definitely was lower.
When we finished with the teacher, we made our walk back to the car. we pass the big kid library, where she peaks in the window and the kids wave "Hi" to her. we pass the office where she likes to use the big kid potty in the nurses' office. we stop and say "Hi" to the bear statue and examine how many spider webs are in his nose and ears. we then navigate around the cars parked in the closest pick up/drop off spot possible for kids that will be dismissed soon. and finally we arrive at our car.
I buckle her in and test her as I usually do. One hour later, she was now 70. my guess was right. I grab her some smarties and she gets to munch on candy on the way home. I check her again when I get home and give her a bowl of cereal. she eats all of it. She begins to perk up and talk again and run around again.
Looking back...before she was diagnosed...she had gotten very quiet and very content at playing by herself. definitely not feeling well.
now we know.
The normal sweetie is the curious, talkative, can't stand still, always wants to know what's going on and has a project going in addition to the other project just in case she has some spare time.
and this is why I sit outside the speech room waiting for her, playing the role of a hovering parent. I know that she can drop low and need attention. and I will wait for it to happen to make sure that she is always okay. Just as I keep my cell phone in hand when she is left home with Grandma.
Hovering parent; diabetic child. we go hand in hand.
so we decided to be responsible grown ups and that the best thing for her to do is to stay home for one more year and attend the jc. She will apply to go to her college of choice for next year as a sophomore. We figured that this will save her and ourselves quite a bit of money. She also thought that it will give her a year of transition to moving out. (She likes slow transitions).
So, she is okay with it, being the practical, financially mature person that she is, and I am slowly accepting it! We did confirm with the college counselor that she can attend as a sophomore and still get her freshman financial aid that she was awarded be it that she applies before junior college classes show up on her transcript.
So that is the plan. and who knows what God has in store for us over the next year. every time we think we have everything under control, we are thrown yet another curve ball. (hence the blogsite).
We just thank God for our great daughter and are so proud of how far she has come and wait with anticipation for what will come next our way!