Faith like an earthquake?

I found that my faith was really shaken recently. My teenage daughter and I had sat for hours that weekend looking at the pros and cons of whether she should go to the university that she had been accepted by or not. we made a list.

The school had given her over 2/3 of the money that she needed to pay for college, that was all in grant money! But we were still short. I had been walking into a store one day and saw two different people wearing t shirts with the name of that school on them. Wasn't that a sign?

We discussed all of the great reasons she should go there and the reasons she should stay home. we felt fairly confident that God was leading us to that school. But we were still short. We did not have the entire amount. should we take a leap of faith? One friend advised us to just jump and it should work out.

But we had just spent the last three years paying off lots of debt. The last thing I wanted to do was be stressed about where the last few dollars was going to come from again and then what would we live on? Our daughter could work all summer and save money. and she could have taken student loans to help but then we are putting our daughter into debt at the age of 18.

Our daughter wisely said that it wasn't worth it. She really wanted to go but also didn't see the financial gap as worth all of the stress to come up with the money. The junior college would be free this year and she would end up with money in savings. Pretty good deal.

But we had really thought that God was leading us down the path to that school and shutting all other doors along the way. But as the deadline to accept approached, God had not provided the full amount that we needed. My mom had agreed to help, but not all of it.

so I accepted the answer that she shouldn't go, but then began to look back on my life and question when I thought God had worked in other areas. Was I wrong about all of those too? Was I misguided this time? Is all of it just coincidence? Was I applying wishful thinking to just circumstances? I really wrestled with my faith because I really thought that I had been seeking God's leading.

I sat down to my Bible study and made notes. This is a big issue and God would surely speak to me about this.

I turned the page and this is what it said:

"Do not call to mind the former things, or ponder things of the past. Behold I will do something new" (Isaiah 43:18-19)

whether I was right or wrong in the past, it didn't matter. God was moving me forward now. God doesn't want us to feel guilt about our past. He frees us from that with his grace and forgiveness.

I prayed for God to show me where he had blessed me and directed me into his will. The point of his will for us to desire a relationship with him and our blessings are bi products of our relationship with him. He is a loving and protecting God and he wants us to be loved and be protected. He is not a genie.

First I had looked at decisions that I had made where I felt I had made mistakes then I began to look back on my life with new eyes. I looked for ways that I didn't ask for anything yet God provided for us completely with his own doing. No disputable claims. Just purely God.

Several things started to come to mind that reassured me that indeed God had been working in our lives for the past several years.

For example, when I had decided to homeschool my eldest daughter in fourth grade and not return to work. I received checks in the mail from the strangest places. A cash award for an essay I had written for the GRE. A bonus unemployment check that had been miscalculated. An overpayment for something that was refunded. All confirmation that I was doing the right thing and nothing that I could have dreamed up myself!

We had friends that came into our lives right before my dad passed away. They took our daughter for outings with their family. We had dinners with them. They treated us to a concert. They provided for us in so many ways in such a great time of need in my life.

I think about the dream that I had where God clearly showed me a certain person that was to guide me with a decision. The next day I ended up talking with that person by chance (God's divine appointment) and answering a decision that we had been pondering for awhile.

I think of when we were deciding to re enter our eldest in school and how we found out about the school that was to be for her and that they had just one opening in her grade and she could start that Monday.

I have made a long list in my Bible study of many things that came to mind and God confirmed that he does work and does lead us. Most often it is when we least expect it and we had nothing to do with it!

The college of our choice didn't work out but that is okay. I will keep my eyes open for what God is going to do next and we all feel relieved that we did not add new debt to our load. and God does not call us to go into debt for his service. So for that reason alone we feel good about our decision.

"Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him saying,"This fellow began to build and was not able to finish". Luke 14:28-30

Thank you Lord for saving us from the ridicule. and continuing to show us that even when we aren't sure, you will, reassure us.