Tuesday, March 1, 2011
"Be strong now; be strong"
I went for a walk this afternoon. As I passed my neighbors house, who happens to run a non profit for Diabetes, I thought about stopping and saying "Hi". I slowly went by but then noticed the husband pulling up in his truck coming home from work.
His wife greeted him at the car. He had a bouquet of flowers for her. I said "Hi" and thought how sweet that was. He then said "I have a bouquet for you too". I laughed. He said "you think I'm kidding?" He then walked over with a bouquet of flowers for me too! what timing! I just happened to walk past his house when he had pulled up bearing gifts. I'll have to pass by tomorrow after he has come home from the bank!
He said that he had gone to a flower mart and told the owner that he had a neighbor that had a daughter that was newly diagnosed type1 diabetes. the flower stand owner gave him the flowers for free to bring to me to cheer up my day. wow. how awesome. and the whole walk I had been pouring my heart out to God with my concerns, worries, and discouragements. thank you for that quick blessing Lord!
The second photo is my sweetie, prior to the walk. She was having her rest time and waiting for me to tell her that her time was up. Well, she finally fell asleep. She doesn't usually take naps anymore. She just rests in her bed with quiet toys and classical music. Everyday now that she has diabetes, we test her at 3 pm and give her snack. It was 3 pm. I wasn't sure if I should disturb her. In the hospital, she was allowed to nap, undisturbed, because she was worn out, not on her normal schedule.
I called the doctor for her advice. The doctor said that I had better check her. Especially if she normally doesn't nap, she might be low. ok. I tiptoed in with her meter. we do this at midnight everynight. her readings at midnight have always been 200 to 300's. So I didn't want to wake her since it was nice she was finally napping, but cautiously followed doctors advice.
She was 50.
I quickly, calmly, carefully, consoling myself walked back to the kitchen and grabbed apple juice. flinging measuring cups and digging through cups looking for one with a straw. spilling apple juice on the counter as my hand was shaking, trying to measure 2 oz. I finally assembled a cup with a lid and a straw and headed back to her room. I woke her enough to get her to sip the juice. she could barely wake up. she did look pale and out of it. sip! sip! sip! gosh darn it! sip, like the wind!
she finally finished her drink and slumped back on her mattress to sleep again. the longest 14 more minutes of my life began. In 14 minutes, I could recheck her levels and see if she was out of the danger zone. 13, 12.5, 12.2, 11, 10, 7, 6, 5.5, 5, 4, 321. done. recheck. she was upto 65. carefully, calmly, composed, panicking inside back to kitchen counter, hand shaking, pouring 2 ounces again, spilling, lid back on, straw intact, back to bedroom, quickly, swiftly, calmly not to alert rest of family. woke her, helped her sit up, sip, sip, sip, SIP!!!! she drank all the juice and slumped back to mattress again. Fifteen minutes, I checked her again, now upto 109. now went and got her some milk to drink for her snack to get her over 130.
She didn't want her milk. she barely wanted to sit up. I got her to sit up a bit and try a few sips but she didn't want it. she began to perk up a little more and came with me to the couch. I suddenly thought of the rice krispy treats. she loves those. they are 17 grams. that's what she needed. I asked her if she would like one? she and the whole livingroom said yes. I dispersed rice krispy treats to everybody and she then perked up even more as she ate. again, BIG sigh of relief. after all of this, we went on our walk. Now you understand my prayers.
It seems to me that people that don't understand diabetes, just don't understand the burden you carry with you, everywhere you go. I could face the same scary situation, tomorrow and the next day and the next day. It doesn't go away.
I have to remind myself to cast my burdens on the Lord or I could really feel weighted down. yes I do feel weighted down. I have four other children to take care of on top of my diabetic child. How do I meet all of their needs too? and housework and meals and schooling?
I'm praying somehow God provides for us to enroll my six year old in school again for the coming year. Then atleast, she would be taken care of and I would have one less person to have to meet needs for during part of the day. I feel selfish saying this. there are a lot of homeschooling moms out there i'm sure that would say I could do this. If the Lord wishes, I will, but I just know right now I feel its too much. of course, Jonah and Moses both said no at first too. one ended up in a whale and one freed thousands of slaves. maybe the Lord wants me to help free enslaved people through my testimonies. I will but I only have two arms.
please join me in prayer for these concerns.
Just as I was having fun with my blogging and networking with the diabetes community, reality hit home again. this is forever.
I was planning to go bowling tonight. After we came home from our walk, I planned to quickly check her blood, lay out her menu and carb count and insulin dosage for my husband and then leave. well...when I tested her, she was 542. we now are at the opposite end of the spectrum. this is bad. really high. she needs insulin. stat. as they say. I had just told my neighbor that her highs were going up to the 400's. well now I had lied. actually, I didn't know. but she just topped her record post hospital stay.
I portion out her food, calculate insulin, tell my husband call the doctor and give her the insulin right away. okay, he is under control, she is eating. she is really high because she was so low earlier and we were trying to get her higher. (her blood sugar levels). He said okay. it was okay for me to leave. Now late for my first game. again, feeling selfish, but I'm on a bowling league. okay, again feel selfish. but we just started this league so I had something fun to do one night a week instead of errands.
well, I left.
My husband texted that doctor said okay. she would be fine. we did the right thing, enjoy bowling. (my husband not the doctor said that).
what do I conclude from all of this?
bowling. its always the answer. oh and flowers. flowers and bowling balls.
some challenges are just easier than others. Today I had three little kids watching me quickly quietly walking from her bedroom back to my kitchen over and over. I had to be the rock when I wanted to cry. I wanted someone else to handle this. I was so scared.
But as moms, when do we get to be scared? and vulnerable, and tired, and frustrated?
tell me when; and I have lots to schedule.
I want to be encouraging and faithful. But even with faith we can still feel human and want to make all of this go away. and return to normal. rewind time and change the ending.
"I am overcome with anguish because of the vision, my lord, and I am helpless. How can I, your servant, talk with you, my Lord? My strength is gone and I can hardly breathe. Again the one who looked like a man touched me and gave me strength. Do not be afraid, O man highly esteemed," he said, "Peace! Be strong now; be strong". Daniel 10:16-18