Jeremiah 29:11

I realized today that I am still in denial.

I was looking at another mom's blog site about her diabetic daughter. She had produced a video about diabetes awareness. She participated with her family in a Walk for a Cure for Diabetes. She had so much information and connections about diabetes on her site.

I realized that my focus has been on just surviving and trying to manage diabetes these past five weeks. I want everyone's focus on us. I haven't been advocating or proactive or involved my daughter in any information about Diabetes awareness or fundraising, or a hope for a cure.

Of course, my daughter is only 3. Her understanding is still limited. She willingly hands me her finger when I need to test her and she knows that she can't eat certain foods at certain times.

Her sister was looking at the other blog with me and she said "You mean there might be a cure for diabetes? Sister wouldn't have diabetes anymore?!"

Tears well up in my eyes.

"yes" I say. "that's why people are raising money and doctors are researching for a cure. "

I hadn't even begun to think about fundraising or walking towards a cure. I feel like I still have one foot in the door and one out. I feel like immediate crisis is over and I'm ready to return to our normal life. maybe soon, this will all go away.

The more I talk to other Diabetics the more it becomes real.

It's like a woman fighting for civil rights years ago. Trying to get into top colleges and be independent and vote and in the process, a lot of women lost their identity or tried to hide their female attributes in order to succeed and not be pushed down or held back because years ago, to be a woman was to be less. We made great strides but forgot what it was to be a woman in our quest to succeed.

or at least, I found myself doing that when I was younger because I grew up with only brothers. I had decided that I was going to be as tough as them and as smart as them too. I would never be held down because I was a female.

well now, we have diabetes. I made a choice that we would beat this and succeed and carry on with homeschooling, and financial struggles, and tight quarters. But it just became one more issue thrown onto the pile.

I didn't want to acknowledge what it was, just plough through it. and eventually it would go away.

I haven't acknowledged yet what Diabetes is or even read the paperwork that the doctor gave to me at the hospital. I just took notes and followed directions. that's it. I don't have time to read or research this. what will that change? just give me the directions and I will follow them.

I have been cheating us and my daughter. Diabetes has become a black cloud hanging over us.

I spent so many years advocating for the understanding of learning disabilities and that they weren't a disadvantage just a new way of doing things or seeing things.

exactly.

that needs to be applied now.

my daughter needs to know how her body works now and that she can still thrive and that she is still wonderful, not defective.

we need to be proud that we ARE a family of diabetes and that we can succeed and embrace it.

God gives us all new challenges and different experiences. He knows the experiences that we are to face. He has us develop different skills and knowledge to share with others. Nothing is new to Him. He forsaw it. He equipped us.

I just had no warning this time. or maybe my eyes were shut. God usually warns me of things. I missed the comment that my mom made to my oldest daughter. the comment of "this couldn't be diabetes, could it?" I had only heard the bladder infection comment. THAT I was prepared for. nobody had said anything to me about a chronic disease.

I was the one that had taken her to the doctor for the check up. I was the one given the urgent news to act on. I was the one that needed to be prepared and forewarned!!

I am someone that God speaks to through dreams. He speaks in other ways too, but I have had several dreams of the future in the past. Lately, I have been having several deja vu moments that I have realized are flashes of dreams that I have had. dreams of the very events that I am witnessing today. just little flashes. pieces of dreams that I had a while ago. mundane flashes. making a peanut butter sandwich for my daughter. having my son tested for speech. reading a blog reply about diabetes. I've begun piecing images together in my mind, and I think a lot of these stem from the same dream. A dream I did not understand long ago but suddenly lots of pieces of it are coming true.

This is how God works in my life. He shows me and directs me of my paths in my dreams. I know he is reassuring me that I am in his will right now and now I see that he had forewarned me. I just didn't understand what it meant at the time. Just as in the Bible. So many prophets were given dreams that were to come true much later on. God gives the vision. He is in control. It is for us to follow, in his time.

This is starting to become reassuring for me. That God has laid this out for me. I know he set several circumstances up for us to be prepared for this life changing event. He helped us pay our bills and provided friends down the street. Some things I still haven't figured out. But with his help, I will learn to take a new outlook on our life and keep moving forward with Him.

It's ironic, a year ago, I found a Bible verse that I really wanted to paint at the top of the wall in my shower. That is my prayer closet. my alone time. I pray as I clean. This verse just keeps speaking to me over and over these days and again, that is God.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.