coffee

so I met a friend for coffee and it helped to sort out my feelings. I realized its not so much the nuts and bolts of taking care of my daughter, its dealing with the post traumatic stress from what we have been through this week. I feel like I am walking around with this huge burden that people don't see. I want them to know and ask me about it but they don't know so they don't ask.

When my twins were in the NICU after they were born, one had to stay for two weeks and my daughter that is now diabetic, the other twin, had to stay for four weeks. I would walk down the halls of labor and delivery on the way to the NICU past the nursery and the families celebrating with the new moms and new babies, and I would walk by unnoticed. no one knew I had just delivered too. my babies were hidden away in a room with a security lock. I had a wrist band that would let me in that room but that wrist band was hidden under my sleeve. I received no congratulations, no concern. My babies were born and they were hidden away. and I would have to leave them in the locked room every night and go home, empty handed.

This is how I felt walking into the pharmacy today to pick up more prescriptions for my daughter. The pharmacist didn't ask how I was doing or why I was asking for more alcohol swabs. why we had such a large order or syringes to fill. why I could pick up the rest of my order at the hospital in a few days. I am walking around with a heavy shadow that others don't see. there are signs but no one puts the pieces together. This week has been really hard. I feel like I went through the front lines of a battle, like I was held up at gun point, like my dad had just died. everything has changed and I want everyone to know.

The irony...no more m & m's. no more marshmallows. only sugar free jello from here on out.