A peace like no other

"Humble yourselves, therefore under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:6-8

Right now, I am feeling overwhelmed. Not only do we have a diabetic 3 year old, but I also have a 17 year old that is finishing applying to colleges. She wants my help to write one last essay. I also have a six year old that wasn't quite ready for first grade this year, so I decided to homeschool her to give her time to catch up and get solid ready for 1st grade next year. then our 3 year old diabetic also has a 3 year old twin brother that needs care and attention. And...a 15 month old baby! Our baby was the one that used to get all the scheduling and naps and food routines. Now he is in the background as our daughter needs more scheduling, more food routines and shots.

How am I to do all of this? I took this scripture from my Bible study I am working on. Prior to this scripture, the study said to cast all of your duties on God and let him help show you the priorities. I feel all of these are priorities. I'm not talking about mopping. I've already decided cleaning, and meal plans were not as important this week as just getting everyone through the day. what am I to do?

We are limited on income as I stopped teaching several years ago to be home with the kids. So I don't know how we would pay for the school I want my daughter to attend or preschool for a few mornings a week for the twins. The twins are ready for preschool. I know they would love it. But how could we afford it right now? This is why I'm homeschooling. But now I feel to drained to do it all anymore.

Just six months ago, we were running shorter and shorter financially and really struggled just to put gas in the car, buy groceries. When our refrigerator broke, that was my darkest moment. A puddle of dirty water on the floor, our treasured food thawing, and no means to fix it.

The Lord carried us through this. Months later, we received a windfall that I had always been ficticously joking about. An aunt of my husband's that I had never met, left us some money.

wow.

we had exited the desert.

we paid our property taxes, and past due bills. we even treated ourselves to the new windows we wanted for our daughter in her bedroom.

God knew what was to come. He had made me stronger while in that desert. I began to treasure everything I had and really thought about money before I spent it. my priorities shifted. my goal is to continue to move forward and eventually be debt free.

I also learned that God can do the impossible. He does carry us when we can't walk and he always has a plan. He knew that money was coming. He prepared our hearts to be wise when it came. He also helped me get my home in order with my study and mentor knowing that my daughter's diagnosis was coming.

God is faithful. If I have learned nothing, I know God is faithful. He does love us and care about us. His plans are for us to prosper. to give us peace.

we will have trials and stress. But we must give them to him to sort out for us.

with that, I lay my burdens at his feet and ask for him to answer prayer and direct us and continue to keep us safe and guarded and healthy. and thank him for bringing to light my daughter's disease in perfect timing.

I feel cleared now. not so overwhelmed. just like a ceo. lots of responsibility. I need minute reminders. God twitters. who is in control. As I said earlier regarding my dad. he was my rock and the first to say that our time here is so short. and now he is gone. I encouraged him to live every minute even with puminary fibrosis. he would require no less of me.

I humbly hand everything back over. thanks for the reminder.

in honor of my dad. he never complained as he suffered. I pray for the same peace.

"humble yourselves, therefore under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time."
1 peter 5:6

outdoor heaters

The heaters turn on in the fields at night. This is our signal that it is really cold outside.

We live in a place where it doesn't snow and we rarely even need a jacket. we can go from summer through november without even thinking about bringing a jacket along. Then we go through a transition period of freezing at night because we still didn't think to bring a jacket. Then we start bringing jackets to be prepared at night and pretty soon its late spring and we don't need jackets anymore.

well, tonight, the heaters are going. they were on at 930 pm, when I came home from running errands. Usually the heaters don't come on until closer to midnight. But our outdoor thermometer right now reads 36 degrees. This is pretty cold for Southern California.

what I like about hearing these heaters is that it is different and comforting. Not many people get to hear these warming machines as our house is on the edge of many crop producing fields. Even in our city, we are among the elite. Lots of oranges and lemons are being grown and if they all froze it would be damaging to the farmers livelihood. hence the heaters. we have heaters in our homes to stay warm. so the oranges and lemons do outside too.

Laying in bed at night hearing the low roaring of the machines, reminding me its cold outside, but the produce is warm, makes me feel not so alone. I feel like the farmers are out there tending their crops as a shepherd tends his sheep. I feel like the heaters are telling us that all is well outside in the cold, dark, night. they are watching out for us. Its a lullaby.

these heaters are our familiarity. This is our norm.

like diabetes.

I realized today, looking at all of the bottles of insulin in my refrigerator, that these will never be gone. usually you get a prescription for an antibiotic to treat an illness like bronchitis, finish the round of antibiotics and throw them away. done. all better. butter shelf is back to only butter. no more medications.

but not with diabetes.

all the ups and downs we will experience, everyday or every hour, or every week. will always be. this will be our norm. our norm will be blood sugar 236 at morning snack and maybe 98 at afternoon snack. 320 at midnight, 187 at seven am?

we will be in the class of the elite. the experienced, the knowledgeable, the special few, that are entrusted with these bodies that work differently.

Heaters or snow?

I don't know.

can diabetes ever be a good thing?

my dad had pulmonary fibrosis. I used to tell him that its just a new challenge. A new way to be used in life. Joni earikson Tada started her ministry and really living life AFTER she became paralyzed. Am I being asked to embrace my own words?

I am not the diabetic, but the responsibility is on my shoulders right now, until she is older and can care for herself. but I'm sure I will always be concerned about her health and her diligence.

God calls us to our own challenges. we have been called to many already. Almost as if God is testing my own words. teaching me more humility everyday.

With God all things are possible. and having lived on both sides, I would never live without God on my side again. and if God is calling us to enrich our lives with diabetes. then I accept the challenge.

Tears still well in my eyes when I say "diabetes". It is so real and permanent when I admit it. But I can't turn my back and question, why us? God has given us this life and it is my duty to live it. To use my talents.

So, I embrace the heaters. I love the roar of the machines and knowing that we are protected and safe and because of those heaters, we can enjoy a fresh glass of orange juice.

or at least we can.

my daughter will have her carb free water.

obsessive compulsive disorder

We are all still feeling the effects of our scare from last night. the sudden plunge of the blood sugar levels. innocently hanging out, getting ready for bed and daughter almost passing out on kitchen floor. (memories of college days?) no kids involved, just lots of stupid young adults.

as soon as dinner approached tonight, I began checking her blood sugar levels and counting carbs. then unsure of what she was going to eat, recounted again. then looked at chart for insulin. then looked at her plate again. then adjusted some food on her plate, then counted again. then checked chart again. finally settled on insulin amount and gave it to her.

then rethought what I gave her. last night she plunged one hour and minutes after dinner. what if I gave her more than she actually ate? it's tricky calculating food that I didn't create. I kept guessing and reguessing based on the carb counter book we have.

then she didn't want to finish all of her food. then she wanted new food. then she didn't want her milk. now she wanted her diet tea. did she look okay? is she too fussy?

I let her eat some more carbs, erasing what she didn't actually eat from the book. then I checked her blood sugar again. meanwhile bedtime is getting later and later.

now she has a special seat at the kitchen counter next to me as I keep recounting carbs at my station of books and journals and medical paraphenalia all over the counter next to the stove.

meanwhile, she has caught onto the whiny cry of "I'm suuuuper huuuungryyy..." when this happens, mom panics, checks her with undivided attention and offers her food and she gets to stay up when other kids go to bed.

so once she was in bed finally at 9 pm. she was still calling from bed that she was "still huuungryyy!" I gave her one piece of cheese then another. "still hungry....." I finally say "I'm going to check you sugar level again, if it's normal, or high, your body is fine and you need to go to sleep".

Her level was 258. she's fine. mom's been taken advantage of in her weakness.

I tell her "your levels are fine. you had a snack and two pieces of cheese. you are fine"

She says "okay"

just like that.

I was killing myself checking and rechecking and counting and recounting and offering food and more food....all it took was a confirmation for both of us.

you are fine.

what did I tell myself last night? "do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough of its own worries."

good night.

smarties not apple juice

Today was slow. we were in jammies until noon. Last night our diabetic sweetie didn't want to go to sleep. she kept coming back out to the living room with another reason that she couldn't stay in bed. more water. new book. had to go potty. more blankets. at long last she stayed and fell asleep and my older daughter woke me up on the couch. "what time is it?!" I said. It was 1130 pm. I had fallen asleep during Restaurant Impossible. My favorite new show. If you haven't seen the show, a renegade chef that must have been a body builder before he got in touch with his feminine side and decided to cook for a living assesses a failing restaurant and revamps it in two days. It's fun to watch him order all the food on the menu and then be unhappy with all of it. He then notices how dirty the restaurant is or how unworkable the decor is. Then he critiques the employees and then rebuilds.

Is this a metaphor for my life now? I was plugging along thinking everything was going well again. I thought I knew what topics needed attention right now and prayer. Then a chronic disease was thrown at us. If I had been handed a deck of cards with three cards to pick of the next coming disaster. diabetes would not have one of them. maybe flu, family member crisis. new dissapointment. but definitely not disease.

There is no show for Life impossible where you get advice to stop what you are doing because its a current trainwreck and then be shown how to start over. But actually that is what happened years ago. for those of us Christians thats what Christ can do in your life. I was saved when I was 27. my life was quickly unraveling and after feeling fairly confident that Christianity was definitely NOT for me and Buddhism fit much nicer for my life, God became very real to me and changed everything about me. so you never know. everything that happens in our lives can be God rearranging us, forcing us onto his path that is less traveled.

so back to our sweetie...I checked her at midnight and she was fine. Then at five am she wet her bed again. this should subside but still occurs since diabetes took over.

then she slept in until 930 am! normally she is up at 7 am. I checked her. she was breathing. but tired. so when she woke up I checked her right away. actually I had to find her first. I went to check on her at 930 am, thinking it was getting late for her to keep sleeping and found her bed empty. I began to silently panic as I went from bathroom to bathroom looking for her. she wasn't in the living room, kitchen...our home is NOT that big! where could she have gone?! I finally found her slumped down on the floor leaned up against my bed hugging her blanky, looking sleepy eyes. I said "what are you doing in here?! Are you okay?!" she looked at me and gave me a huge tooth filled smile and giggled while she continued to stroke her blanky. (rolling of the eyes. Mama...that is...)

we got through the day with good levels and food and lots of imaginary play with brother and sister. They were mermaids swimming around the livingroom, then campers in the backyard, then break for Mickey Mouse clubhouse.

Dinner was brought to us by a good friend from KFC. We haven't had KFC since last time she brought it to us when our baby was born! So special treat. we all ate well and then got everyone ready for bed. The balloons from Sharkys are still floating around our house and became quite a bedtime routine distraction. we kept trading kids and getting jammies on to then find someone running down the hall laughing and bumping balloons into the air with their hand. then the occasional crash. into each other. or a piece of furniture.

Then our sweetie was found by the cereal cupboard amidst all the running and laughing. She was looking distressed and grabbing her tummy saying she was "super hungry..." "suuper huuungryyy..." I said "Let me check your bedtime levels then I can give you a snack." my first try didn't work. we couldn't get enough blood out of the one finger we tried. I then got sidetracked with the other children. I finally came back to her and tried again. This time her level read. I expected somewhere in the 200's maybe 100's as she has been running recently. She was 62.

For those of you non diabetic saavy people, 62 is bad. if she dropped lower, she could pass out. need a big shot that is kept in a special orange case tucked away in a ziploc bag in our cupboard. we've been trained. we saw the video of the woman forgetting to eat and passing out. we know to lay her on her side if we give her the shot because she might throw up when she wakes up. We don't want to give this shot. we would probably have to silently draw straws before we reacted if we found her lying on the floor. thank goodness that was not the case.

I quickly called the doctor. we have her pager. I call the doctor once a day for close monitoring. but she knew this was not our scheduled time, so she called back immediately. I was afraid my daughter was going to pass out as I was talking to the doctor. The doctor said "no more monkeys jumping on the bed." no no. "she said quick give her simple sugar (smarties or apple juice) then recheck her in 15 minutes. if her blood sugar is up then give her 30 g carbs, basically another meal with no insulin.

I silently was panicking. kids were still squealing in background and a cloud closed in around me. like in a movie when the camera focuses in on the character and the sound goes quiet. you can still see all the action behind the main character but not hear anything else. your attention is directed to just what the main character is going through. that was me. I was the main character. everything depended on me in a sudden turn of events. just when I thought I was comfortable with our diabetic routine. a snake was thrown into the pit I had been safely standing in. a cobra or rattlesnake. not a garder snake.

I quickly measured and poured apple juice for her and handed it to her. I tried to lightly say "here! you finally get to drink apple juice again! here! drink! " Like the note said to Alice in Wonderland. "it will make you better!" bigger, smaller, whatever.

she wouldn't drink it. she fell back on the floor, squirming, and crying.

she was hungry, not thirsty.

doctor said yes, of course. she is very hungry. offer her the smarties.

"here" I say. "eat this!" like the disguised witch tempting snow white. "eat" isn't this apple beautiful?" where do these stories come from? or like Eve being tempted with the apple in the garden of Eden. "Eat!" said the snake. I know you want it. (first recorded peer pressure?)

however, she didn't want anything. I thought, "Am I going to have to grab a tube of frosting and smear it inside her cheek?"

Then she slowly sat up and walked to her little table. I laid the smarties out in front of her and again, said "Eat." "here, eat" nice. calm. pleasant. they are yummy. yes its okay. eat. pleeeeeasee!! I silently begged.

she ate. one at a time. slowly. purposefully, slight trembling. I watched anxiously as she chewed each smartie. 14. then 13. then 12. okay 11 to go. "you can do it" I silently encouraged her.

She was down to four left that she had arranged in a square. I watched the clock for 15 minutes to pass and at the second grabbed her meter and retested her.

206!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

touch down!. or hallelujiah, or goal!, whichever you prefer. (big sigh of relief)

okay everyone, you can back away now. everythings okay. there's nothing to see here.

I then fixed her almost 30 more grams of carbs to eat. a bowl of cheerios with milk. she began to come back to her normal self and enjoy every bite. now her sister and brother are suddenly hungry too at 8 at night and now we have three kids with balloons at their feet, eating bowls of cheerios with milk. because you never know. must be sympathy pains. (or an excuse to stay up) I guess I will never know.

Everyone's in bed asleep now, minus the teenager and us. Daddy is watching a documentary on Egypt, teenager is taking the recycle out and mom is doing something at that computer again.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" Matthew 6:25-27

I read this, just hours before her sugar low.

sharkys

we were able to get lunch together. just my husband and my little sweetie pie, and myself. we stopped at sharkys and ordered a pizza and quesadilla. we had packed a sandwich and wrote the carbs on the bag that it was in. so we sat down at the table with a balloon tied to her chair and a peanut butter sandwich layed out in front of her and the stickers from the doctors office arranged by whom they would be given to. I went to get myself a drink and noticed they had diet soda. I thought "that would be a treat she can have!" so I filled a small cup for her and set it in front of her. she was very excited and felt very important. the restaurant was very crowded being that it was lunch time and located in the middle of a well to do business area.

I noticed a table filled with men in button down shirts and ties. one of the men had a chocolate milk to drink. I thought that was different. I thought "I wonder if he has diabetes" but then I thought that if he did he wouldn't have chocolate milk, he would just have milk. maybe he was a business executive but secretly still yearning for his childhood. whatever the reason, I thought, brave choice amongst all these very serious looking men.

I saw a mom getting drinks filled at the soda stand and she had two little girls with her. one was crying. the mom was telling her she should have waited to do something. I saw them go sit down and periodically heard someone cry. maybe she was tired, maybe the mom was tired. who knows.

I wondered if anyone noticed my sweetie pie, sitting there, in a restaurant eating a pb sandwich instead of the hot quesadilla or bbq chicken. I wanted someone to ask in a kind way, so I could say "she's diabetic. we're taking care of her. we're not picky or overly strict or depriving her. we are taking care of her. see her special soda? "

She was dressed extra cute because the nurses all loved her outfits in the hospital. because if was diabetes, somehow we avoided the hospital gown. or maybe they just loved her clothes too much. I felt I had an obligation now to always have her dressed cute. I had to remember what she had worn last doctor visit and make sure she had on another outfit, just as cute but not a repeat. In fact, I bought one more pair of leggings the other day at The Gap, that looked extra cute on her. I couldn't control the diagnosis but I can control her wardrobe!

we finished our food at sharkys and added three more balloons to our trip home so her brothers and sister could share in the fun. as we drove off, we felt successful that we had a good lunch as a small family and some more special time with our sweety.

out patient hospital visit

we returned to the scene of the crime today. the long drive back. it's 42 miles. but with traffic an hour. we passed green mountains from the rain and lots of beautiful dark trees still in winter dress.

there was no parking available in the parking lot. I dropped my husband and our daughter off so they could go inside upto her appointment. I then circled and circled and circled trying to find a parking spot. This hospital is large and has a small tram to pick people up from the parking lot. they also have wheel chairs all over for people that can't walk from the their car. I patiently watched and crept along looking for a parking spot. As I turned a corner, a healthy looking middle aged woman tore around the corner in her sparkling clean new mercedes. She glared at me as I was in her way. I thought "who are you??" "Do you have a diabetic daughter on the way upto see the doctor?" who knows. maybe her situation was far worse. But empathy was not in her eyes just irritation.

I finally gave up trying to park and headed off to the dreaded parking garage. I always feel trapped in parking garages. I usually avoid parking garages at all costs. but I needed to get up to the appointment. at this point, I'm sure my husband and the doctor were wondering what had happened to me. No. I did not detour at starbucks.

I finally parked on the roof of the parking structure. I shared the elevator down with another nice woman. She said she came to the hospital every week for a shot and she never saw such parking problems here before. She thought it was due to the construction going on around the hospital. I wanted to ask her what her condition was but she didn't continue the conversation. I wanted to tell her my daughter was diabetic and I give her four shots a day and check her blood five times a day and we stayed in the hospital several days last week, but she didn't seem too interested. She was nice but focused on her own mission.

I finally made it upto the doctors office. The doctor had already done an exam on my daughter and determined that she is doing great! She has already gained two pounds! (watch out big brother). A social worker and nutritionist also came in to the room to ask us some questions. we felt pretty comfortable with what we were doing already at home so our questions were minimal. They again reiterated we were doing a great job. We said our emergency response time is improving with each crisis we have had over the years. (3 years ago, our other daughter broke her femur bone at school, falling off of the play structure. She ended up in a body cast for 2 months. so far Diabetes has been easier maintenance.)

We ended our visit with information on a medical bracelet and a new book. another appointment in a month. doctor calls everyday still. picked up another prescription and headed to the car.

we then sat in the car and checked her blood again, portioned her lunch to her, gave her a shot and then headed off north towards home.

trader joes

today I went to trader joes. I went for a new loaf of bread. I instinctively check labels now, whether I need to or not. I can almost guess carbs already just after one week of being handed this responsibility. half a cup of milk is 7 grams. granola bar is 19 g.

I gathered several items and then headed to the checkout. she was friendly and young, ready to ring me up. she asked me if I found everything okay. I asked about stevia. a sugar substitute. i wasn't sure how to use it but I was told about it. i felt I should buy it and have it in the cupboard and therefore again up my dutiful mom responsibility to a diabetic child.

she didn't know that's why I needed it. again, who knows how old I look or what life experience I wear on my face. the man behind me said that he saw stevia plants at green thumb in the aisle with herbs. well I didn't want to harvest stevia. I just wanted it in my cupboard so that I could check that off my list.

she rang the bell two times at the register and an employee arrived with two choices of stevia. I said I needed the kind to bake with. then I started to ask her if she knew how to cook with it. she said that the label said to replace sugar with this much stevia. but I said how do you count the carbs of a cake you are baking? how does that change? then I said my daughter is diabetic and I was told that stevia was good to bake with. then she looked at me and said "oh did you just find out?" and I said that we had just come back from the hospital and I was picking a few things up. and then I began to picture my little petite sweety pie that my daughter is. just 3 and curly brown hair and wide smile and sparkling eyes and such cute clothes as the nurses had commented as they had put in an IV.

The trader joes employee didn't have this picture in her mind. she could have imagined a sturdy ten year old or a competent 13 year old for all I know. all I know is she didn't know my little sweetie that was slowly dying until the doctor noticed her sugar levels and had her rushed to the hospital.

I began to feel tears come and took my package and left.

stevia.

so innocent yet so full of pain.

this morning

so far so good. She slept all night. Her levels were good at midnight. This morning her levels were good again. It's almost snack time now and we are on target.

I'm tired. My husband and I are taking turns at midnight checking her. Last night was my turn. It feels like having a newborn again.

A mentor is coming over today to talk and encourage me and pray. perfect timing. I'm sure we'll be discussing this.

Next area of business will be: how to get my house clean.

coffee

so I met a friend for coffee and it helped to sort out my feelings. I realized its not so much the nuts and bolts of taking care of my daughter, its dealing with the post traumatic stress from what we have been through this week. I feel like I am walking around with this huge burden that people don't see. I want them to know and ask me about it but they don't know so they don't ask.

When my twins were in the NICU after they were born, one had to stay for two weeks and my daughter that is now diabetic, the other twin, had to stay for four weeks. I would walk down the halls of labor and delivery on the way to the NICU past the nursery and the families celebrating with the new moms and new babies, and I would walk by unnoticed. no one knew I had just delivered too. my babies were hidden away in a room with a security lock. I had a wrist band that would let me in that room but that wrist band was hidden under my sleeve. I received no congratulations, no concern. My babies were born and they were hidden away. and I would have to leave them in the locked room every night and go home, empty handed.

This is how I felt walking into the pharmacy today to pick up more prescriptions for my daughter. The pharmacist didn't ask how I was doing or why I was asking for more alcohol swabs. why we had such a large order or syringes to fill. why I could pick up the rest of my order at the hospital in a few days. I am walking around with a heavy shadow that others don't see. there are signs but no one puts the pieces together. This week has been really hard. I feel like I went through the front lines of a battle, like I was held up at gun point, like my dad had just died. everything has changed and I want everyone to know.

The irony...no more m & m's. no more marshmallows. only sugar free jello from here on out.

stress...

My daughter's blood sugar levels rose to 540 this morning. normal is 100-200. The doctor said we gave her too much of a snack last night at bedtime. So we gave her more insulin at lunch. Her numbers have dropped now down to 400. This is still high, but better. My concern now is how I am supposed to watch a 1 year old, 3 year old, and six year old, while I am trying to figure out what is wrong with my other 3 year old and her blood sugar levels.

and...

and I have a friend, a kindred spirit. we share the same birthday. and now we both, share daughters that were diagnosed at the same age of 3, with the same chronic condition. type 1 diabetes. The more I say it, the more I accept it.

The first moment I had to admit the possible diagnosis, was when the doctor was waiting for me to jump in the car and chase to the Woodland Hills hospital. She cleared the nurse's station for me and had me sit down and call my husband. I needed someone to tell me what to do. The doctor said to jump in the car and drive, and don't stop at home. just go! However, my cell phone was almost dead. I had 3 other little kids at home being babysat by their big sister. I had very little gas in the car. I didn't have any cash in my wallet. How was I supposed to chase to Woodland Hills. and what if the doctor was wrong? what if she was just being cautious? Did we really need to be so dramatic about this?

I called my husband and tried to tell him everything that was going on. my little precious sweetie pie was on the floor next to me playing with a toy. A nurse was sitting next to me working on her computer. I said "Hi," and started crying. If I said diabetes aloud, it would be true. I didn't want it to be true. My husband said "breathe", "take a deep breath, just say it". He knew it was going to be bad. He said he would meet me at the hospital. He would bring what I needed. the nurse began to talk with me about it. The whole office knew how serious this was.

I had the nurse watch my daughter, and I used the restroom. stress affects me in unpleasant ways. we'll leave it at that.

so, I gathered my things, my daughter, and headed to bank to get money and then got gas and then did stop at home to get cell phone charger and then began phase 2 of our new diagnosis.

my husband just went back to work today. He rushed from work on Tuesday to meet me at the hospital. We then spent 3 days in the hospital with her and brought her home late Thursday night. He was here with us for the weekend to help and now is back at work. I feel like I have so much to do, I don't know where to start. We are homeschooling this year and I am praying we can enter our older daughter back into private school next year to take one responsibility off of my plate. We haven't homeschooled for a week now, and right now I don't know if I can devote energy to getting started again.

I look around the house and see cleaning I need to do. Again, I don't know what to focus on. clean? school? blog? Blogging has won at the moment. I need to get some of my thoughts on paper, so I can clear my head to think.

Our diabetic daughter, ate breakfast later this morning at 9. So I don't know now when I should do snack. Normally it's at ten and she eats breakfast at eight. But now snack should be at 11, but lunch then is at 1230. argh. not sure. It's sunny out today but cold. large white and grey clouds are off in the distance just above the tree tops but maybe the kids could play outside for awhile. maybe in rainboots... as I said, we shall see.

we just found out...

I am starting this blog to document our new journey of having a type a diabetic 3 year old daughter. I never dreamed this was possible and am still in shock. I replay the doctor visit over and over in mind. The moment when the doctor went from her usual greeting, to noticing the sugar level in my daughter's urine, to the phone call the doctor disappeared to make, to the doctor telling me I needed to rush my daughter to the hospital now or they would arrange an ambulance for us. I had only brought my daughter in for a check up, thinking that she had some sort of a bladder infection. My mom later said that the thought had occurred to her that maybe diabetes was a possibility. But I wasn't versed in these symptoms. I had never studied what diabetes was or is. I didn't know that when someone goes to the bathroom excessively it could mean something is wrong with your kidneys. I thought I was being a diligant mom. I never thought that a good check up could turn into a fatal disease if we hadn't brought her in.

so this is where our journey has begun. Our three year old has a twin brother, and everyone has asked if he might have it too. But he is a fraternal twin, so his odds are just as good as anyone else in the family.

stay tuned...