a funeral

Tomorrow is the funeral for our friend's son. He was 19. He missed his 20th birthday by about two weeks. I have heard that the family is expecting about 500 people to attend. They are having dinner served after.

So many people are moved by the loss in this family. For one because they loved this boy and also because no parents should have to lose their son at 19. It is a loss that we have all felt. The bell tolls for thee.

A lot of us had our kids in school together at a small private Christian school back when our teenagers were in second and third grade. We have stayed friends through the years and have watched our kids grow. As each year passes, the next batch of them graduate from high school. Last year it was two of my friend's, this year it's mine. next year, another friend's.

We have sat together at Wednesday night church dinners and hung out and talked while the younger kids played. We have discussed schooling options and activities and services for some of our kids and our home life.

we have prayed for each other and updated each other.

facebook has been flooded with condolences.

meals are planned for weeks.

scripture is quoted and shared.

for those of us that believe and have given our lives to Christ; we know the assurance of our salvation. we know where her son is and where we will be one day too. and this is how we carry on. scripture is not just historical text or cute phrases to post on our refrigerators. It is real living words of our real and living God. He created us and gave us life, carried us, and takes us home.

This family is a model of Christ's providence. They are looking up to God and heaven even as they look down and weep.

my own life has become heavy. I look to God and cry for his mercy and encouragement. Our daughter has been saved the day that she was diagnosed but we have a heavy burden to walk with. I hand the burden back to God over and over yet it keeps coming back at different times.

As we prepare to attend this funeral we have to make arrangements for the reality of living with a diabetic child. We can't just have any babysitter, we need someone trained in dealing with diabetes to babysit. we also need to leave detailed instructions for if she suddenly drops low, goes to high, wants to eat, when to eat, what to do when she eats. if she runs. runs too much. seems tired. too tired. doctors phone numbers and our numbers.

we must trust that our daughter will be okay while we go to celebrate the life of their son.

two tragedies being carried by the same God. Two families walking a walk. Just weeks apart.

over and over, I must again refer back to Jeremiah. Not as a mantra or magical chant. But God's ordained words of reassurance. The very theme in my life right now. over and over God speaks in a comforting voice to me, reminding me, that he is a loving and protecting father that DOES have our best interest in mind.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.

As Easter approaches, I will have to write about the resurrection. Her son restored to God and our daughter saved and intervened. Physically rescued and given a new lease on life. Just as Jesus overcame his mortal, wounded body, He did, my daughter will, and someday, we will too.

spammy or abusive

somebody just reported my facebook updates of this blog as "spammy" or "abusive". As if having a diabetic child isn't enough. I have to deal with somebody slowing down my blogging.

I suggest if reading about a diabetic child is offensive to you, please exercise your American rights and don't read this.

Just as I have to walk past your adult entertainment stores and tolerate court cases against the word "God" in the pledge of allegiance because it offends someone, I suggest you just walk on by too.

In no way is this blog meant to be "spammy" or "abusive" and I feel sorry for the person who thinks it does.

that first night...

My eldest daughter applied to her top choice college the day that our sweetie was diagnosed.

I had been at the hospital all day. I had taken our sweetie to her doctor's appt to treat her bladder infection that morning. My eldest had stayed home to watch the rest of the kids. I saw this as God's providence now because we didn't know what was to come as we pulled out of the driveway that day. We had had trouble arranging babysitting and ended up with my daughter in charge. This made it very easy for us to finish the rest of the day, because she could be in charge, indefinitely.

From the doctor's office, we were rushed to the hospital, one hour away. We then were placed in the pediatric kiosk with an IV in our sweetie's arm, lots of blood tests, and the first round of insulin shots. Her diagnosis was confirmed hours later.

we then were given a wheel chair and escorted upto the pediatrics wing behind locked doors for security. we were given a room that would be home for the next 3 days.

Our daughter laid back in her hospital bed, stroking her special blanky with the ragged edge. She lay silent with an IV coming out of her arm.

Lots of blood checks and some food and some coffee runs for my husband and I. A few phone calls and lots of text messages. a painful phone call in an outdoor hallway explaining to my teenage daughter and mom what she was diagnosed with and what it meant.

Finally at 1030 pm at night, I was released to leave. My husband stayed in the cot next to my daughter and I began the hour drive home. I had been feeling nauseous all day and weary. brought on from the first moment I heard the word "diabetes" and watching the nurse casually say that there was no need to do another finger prick blood test; her numbers were too high to read.

I think I drove through In & out that night. I wanted to finally try to eat something. the doctor had offered me expired yogurt she found in her frig and then a granola bar that my daughter gladly ate.

I was still making lots of trips to the bathroom wanting everything to be normal when I returned.

no ruby slippers tucked in a cupboard.

I arrived at home at almost midnight. My teenage daughter was sitting up watching American Idol recorded from earlier. My mom had left awhile ago. I sat down next to her on the couch. My house felt different. It didn't feel like home anymore. Everything had changed. I would have to leave again at 9 am to head back to the hospital. I was just checking in to leave again.

As I laid my head back on the couch and tried to rest, My daughter said to me," I need help writing my essay for my college application. It's due tonight."

let's pause for a moment of silence...

"you're kidding, right?" Thinking to myself, "Do you know what kind of day I have had????"

and so a mother's job is never done.

She sits next to me on a chair with her laptop on her lap, asking me advice and reading to me what she writes as I drift in and out of sleep.

When she is done, she is not sure how it came out. But it is time to send it electronically or it will be late. I say, "just send it, there is nothing else you can do."

She sent it.

and here we are, six weeks later.

She was accepted. This college is her first choice. We are just working on funding right now so that she can go.

and when she goes...

I will always think of that first night of living with diabetes.

a game...

Today as I was fixing lunch for the kids, I looked out into the backyard where the kids were playing. I see my 6 year old daughter over my diabetic daughter. Our sweetie is laying on her back in the grass. My 6 year old, is standing over her, tickling her. I say "what are you doing?" My older daughter responds,"I'm tickling her because she won't wake up."

pause

dry my hands on kitchen towel.

I was on the phone with my husband while fixing lunch as I had been looking out the sliding glass door, watching the kids. yes. multitasker.

I set the phone on the counter and ran out to my daughter.

It was a hot day today. and they were all tired. and they had been playing for awhile.

I run up and look at her and say her name. I ask my other daughter to move out of the way. My little one opens her eyes and looks at me but does not jump up right away or laugh.

I scoop her up quickly and run into the kitchen. I set her up on the kitchen chair and talk to her. "how are you doing?" She looks at me but doesn't say anything. I am thinking "oh, my, goodness! Is this an emergency?!?" meanwhile, my husband is still on the other line of the phone. waiting on the kitchen counter.

I grab her meter and quick check her finger. I am watching the numbers count down 5....4.....3....

I am fully expecting an 18 reading. I am thinking, "Should I just give her apple juice right now?" The number finally pops up on the meter....ready?......

281.

281.

281. yep. she's not low. She's high!!!! I say "you're fine!!"

My teenage daughter says, "oh, they were just playing a game." oh, really?! I say. heavily with sarcasm. funny game.

I go to the phone and tell me husband. He was definitely shaken up and said that he was already planning to drive immediately home. Fully expecting an emergency situation. He said that he was planning and preparing to coach me through the glucagon shot.

He definitely chokes back tears when we try to change the topic of conversation.

Rushing to the hospital just six weeks ago is still too fresh in our minds. and the recent death of a friend's son.

After we talk a few more minutes, I say "good bye" to my husband and return to my daughter. She's high but still is acting low. I check her again to make sure the numbers are right. This time it reads 291. hmmm. how did it go up in 10 minutes?

Since she has now convinced herself that she is low (probably due to some of my theatrics) she now wants lots of smarties. She gets up from her chair and goes to the cupboard where they are kept and says "I'm super low, I need candy..." (add the whiny, tired crying voice). I sit her down and bring over her lunch.

Soon her siblings join her and they all eat and watch one of their favorite shows. Little Einsteins.
She eats everything on her plate. She was hungry. She then goes to the couch and finishes her show.

The end result; I guess she was hungry and tired and playing a game. I tell my teenage daughter how serious I thought this was and how scared I was. She tells me that they were just playing a game. She saw them play a similar game yesterday.

nonchalance from the teenager. innocence on their end and very scary on my end. I don't think my sweetie even understands the seriousness of the disease that she carries. or how unfun that game looked. she is only 3. She innocently acts out what could someday be a reality. she just doesn't know it.

God bless her naivete. and God bless my quick reaction.

and God bless the quick recovery from my brief heart attack!

and here's to another sleepless night as we continue to live with the reality of a daughter with diabetes.

A precocious daughter with diabetes.

really funny precocious daughter.

so funny I forgot to laugh.

A grief filled cry...

I finally cried today. At the end of our church service, our pastor invited people to come up front and request prayer. several people went up and knelt at the steps. Various elders in our church went over and prayed with them.

Then we looked over and saw the mother of the boy who had just tragically died two days ago. She stepped from side to side, edging her way out of her pew. She slowly made her way down the aisle. She stood up front, at first by herself, and then raised her hand up to God, as if trying to reach to heaven itself, and prayed. A prayer full of agony.

Her husband then slowly walked down the aisle and fell to his knees, head in his hands. People began to come out of their seats and walk down the aisle to join them. A group began to surround them as they prayed only prayers that the heartbroken can understand.

Our music leader was playing his guitar and singing. The song was ending but he just kept singing. prayer was so desperately needed at that moment that no one wanted to move.

There was a box of kleenex set on the stage right next to the mom. As needed she reached over and clutched her face in one. You could see the agony on her. It was as if she had dragged herself out of her bedroom to take time to come to church. we had a glimpse of her pain for an hour and then for her to return to her mourning ground. never letting up. never letting that pain go. still desperately clinging to her son.

when she spoke with others, she mentioned items of her sons that triggered more memories and fresh sadness and raw pain.

When the pastor gently prayed for the family and the church, he then officially concluded the service. the group that was surrounding the family, began to take turns hugging the parents and slowly exiting, quietly, respectfully. faces full of pain and tears too.

My husband and I made our way over to them. A new line had formed. my husband went over to the dad and gave him a big hug. Our children were waiting for us in their classroom, but we wanted to let these parents know that we have been praying too and share in their pain.

It was finally my turn. I gave her a hug and held tight. I began to try to form words, but just began to cry. I cried for her pain and her family. For her son, for her remaining sons. for the pain they had to carry.

I have been carrying my own pain for our daughter for almost six weeks now and needed someone to share in our pain too. I cried for all of us moms that carry such pain for our children. Pain that the childless just don't know. Pain that mothers of healthy children just don't know. Pain, we shouldn't have to know.

In the midst of our tears, I hear her say, "your family is such a blessing to us. always a blessing." I couldn't believe it. I felt so inadequate to even give her a hug. I felt like I could never be enough for what she needed right now and yet, she tells ME, that I am a blessing. God bless her.

moments before, as I had edged my way from my seat into the aisle to make my way over to the grieving mother, another woman had edged down the aisle from her seat to come talk to me.

I was caught off guard. my whole focus had been on making my way over to my friend to try to take some of her grief off of her shoulders, and another woman had come to talk to me.

This woman is the grandmother of another little girl who has survived cancer three times. This grandmother has been reading my blog and wanted to take a moment to encourage me. I suddenly had felt so humbled and unworthy of our struggles compared to my friend's. yet this grandmother also knew my pain and wanted to share some of my own grief. God took a moment to remind me that my grief and what we are going through is still important too.

one death, one new diagnosis and one who has beat the odds, three times. All of us have joined a club that is referred to as "the club you don't want to be part of ". We are mothers who know the pain of grieving for your children and grandchildren. we see innocence taken and know that they shouldn't have to deal with such things. Yet what do these children know? Her son is in heaven, my daughter is a happy 3 year old and the granddaughter is an amazing light to whomever she encounters. I actually had the privilege of working with my friend's middle son and this other woman's granddaughter when I was teaching. They both used to come by my classroom and say "Hi".

Most of these kids, don't know any other way. They are resilient because they are young and naive. They haven't seen all the choices that we have already and they don't know many alternatives. These children can be an example to us grieving parents as to what really is important in life. If they are joyful and still thankful, then we should be too. After all, what is life really all about? whether they have 3 years, 19 years, or 42 years to live, it is our job to live everyday for the Lord, not to mourn what we cannot do.

Even my friend that just lost her son. One day she will begin to see good come from this unexpected tragedy. Lives will be touched by his life, their loss; who knows what amazing things God can do from this experience. Another friend that lost her baby to cancer, many years ago now, continues to share her testimony as to how God provided for them in the darkest hour.

we cried today and soon we will rejoice. we mourn for the loss of a child and loss of health for my daughter but we all cling to each other and lift each other up to our maker.

the one again, who knows his plans for us:

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

and if you can count on anything; it is God. For he is the ever unchanging.

our friend

Last Sunday, just 6 days ago, my kids ran upto my friend and greeted her with a big hug.

my two little ones grabbed her legs and our six year old waited for her turn for a hug. They were all so excited to see her.She used to help take care of our twins in the nursery on Sunday mornings.she is one of the few friends that I have had since before and after I became a Christian.

We met her at our oldest daughter's private school when our daughter was in first grade. My husband and I were soon to separate and our life wasn't going so well. Financially we were fine but we were spiritually deprived. we were empty inside. we had returned from living in India for 6 months and were trying to decide which path to take next.

Another friend had recommended this school and we signed our daughter up. This new friend that we had just made, the same friend we had just hugged on Sunday, had begun praying for our family. I didn't know it at the time, but she told me years later. she had seen some of our troubles and prayed.

At the time, I wanted nothing to do with Christianity, I just wanted a good school for my daughter.

I thought the answer was to separate from my husband and take 100% control of my life and move forward. God had other plans.

I don't know who all was praying for us, but my friend has told me of atleast two others. But realistically, there were hundreds of others that we had come into contact over the years as a couple and even years before that as just myself.

and then there was my daughter. people prayed for her too.

my daughter began to change. she began to blossom. she began to be full of life. I wanted to find out why.

I began to attend the church on Sunday that was affiliated with her school. All of my independent liberal thinking, feminist ideals; left wing idealism, went out the window. my interest in Buddhism and any religion can work for you, dissipated. my heart was crying out for God alone. none of my beliefs suddenly mattered anymore.I gave it all to Jesus. and my life began to turn around. my friend said that she heard the news through others and had been so excited to finally see me several days later. She said that I looked different, I had a glow. the darkness had been lifted.

It's amazing to hear these stories years later, because she had never shared those observations with me, before.

my husband saw the change in me and began coming to the same church and a year later he gave his life to Christ. We began to get counseling and with God's help, saved our marriage.

That was 12 years ago.

We have been through many trials through the years but have always had faith that God was leading us. We keep our eyes wide open now to see what God is doing in our lives.

My friend has been there for us throughout the years. She called me the day she heard our daughter had broken her leg. She showed up with her son and brought a dinner for us. She has come to our children's birthdays and grown with us along side our family. She knew us before with one child and a struggling marriage and now with five children and a solid faith.

That day we saw her on Sunday and my kids gave her a great big hug, she asked about my sweetie and how we are doing. I told her that it is still a great challenge. I am tired and still carrying a weight and responsibility that will never go away.

well, five days later... her 19 year old son died.

we didn't know it was coming. we were talking about my daughter's struggles, when in fact, it was her son, that had needed the prayer. He had a seizure in the night and didn't recover.

we heard the news yesterday. They had three sons and now they have two. one is in heaven.

how can she carry on?

The only comfort she has right now is that God is in control. He has her son. just as God carries my daughter in his protective arms.

It amazes me that we all carry this diabetic burden with our children for us diabetic moms yet tragedy can still sweep down and take another child when we aren't looking. we walk everyday knowing that our child's well being depends on us monitoring, injecting, checking, feeding...yet someone else that doesn't have these worries and burdens can still lose their child too.

Our hearts are grieving right now for our friend and her family as she slowly begins to put one foot in front of the other again.

one prayer at a time.