A grief filled cry...

I finally cried today. At the end of our church service, our pastor invited people to come up front and request prayer. several people went up and knelt at the steps. Various elders in our church went over and prayed with them.

Then we looked over and saw the mother of the boy who had just tragically died two days ago. She stepped from side to side, edging her way out of her pew. She slowly made her way down the aisle. She stood up front, at first by herself, and then raised her hand up to God, as if trying to reach to heaven itself, and prayed. A prayer full of agony.

Her husband then slowly walked down the aisle and fell to his knees, head in his hands. People began to come out of their seats and walk down the aisle to join them. A group began to surround them as they prayed only prayers that the heartbroken can understand.

Our music leader was playing his guitar and singing. The song was ending but he just kept singing. prayer was so desperately needed at that moment that no one wanted to move.

There was a box of kleenex set on the stage right next to the mom. As needed she reached over and clutched her face in one. You could see the agony on her. It was as if she had dragged herself out of her bedroom to take time to come to church. we had a glimpse of her pain for an hour and then for her to return to her mourning ground. never letting up. never letting that pain go. still desperately clinging to her son.

when she spoke with others, she mentioned items of her sons that triggered more memories and fresh sadness and raw pain.

When the pastor gently prayed for the family and the church, he then officially concluded the service. the group that was surrounding the family, began to take turns hugging the parents and slowly exiting, quietly, respectfully. faces full of pain and tears too.

My husband and I made our way over to them. A new line had formed. my husband went over to the dad and gave him a big hug. Our children were waiting for us in their classroom, but we wanted to let these parents know that we have been praying too and share in their pain.

It was finally my turn. I gave her a hug and held tight. I began to try to form words, but just began to cry. I cried for her pain and her family. For her son, for her remaining sons. for the pain they had to carry.

I have been carrying my own pain for our daughter for almost six weeks now and needed someone to share in our pain too. I cried for all of us moms that carry such pain for our children. Pain that the childless just don't know. Pain that mothers of healthy children just don't know. Pain, we shouldn't have to know.

In the midst of our tears, I hear her say, "your family is such a blessing to us. always a blessing." I couldn't believe it. I felt so inadequate to even give her a hug. I felt like I could never be enough for what she needed right now and yet, she tells ME, that I am a blessing. God bless her.

moments before, as I had edged my way from my seat into the aisle to make my way over to the grieving mother, another woman had edged down the aisle from her seat to come talk to me.

I was caught off guard. my whole focus had been on making my way over to my friend to try to take some of her grief off of her shoulders, and another woman had come to talk to me.

This woman is the grandmother of another little girl who has survived cancer three times. This grandmother has been reading my blog and wanted to take a moment to encourage me. I suddenly had felt so humbled and unworthy of our struggles compared to my friend's. yet this grandmother also knew my pain and wanted to share some of my own grief. God took a moment to remind me that my grief and what we are going through is still important too.

one death, one new diagnosis and one who has beat the odds, three times. All of us have joined a club that is referred to as "the club you don't want to be part of ". We are mothers who know the pain of grieving for your children and grandchildren. we see innocence taken and know that they shouldn't have to deal with such things. Yet what do these children know? Her son is in heaven, my daughter is a happy 3 year old and the granddaughter is an amazing light to whomever she encounters. I actually had the privilege of working with my friend's middle son and this other woman's granddaughter when I was teaching. They both used to come by my classroom and say "Hi".

Most of these kids, don't know any other way. They are resilient because they are young and naive. They haven't seen all the choices that we have already and they don't know many alternatives. These children can be an example to us grieving parents as to what really is important in life. If they are joyful and still thankful, then we should be too. After all, what is life really all about? whether they have 3 years, 19 years, or 42 years to live, it is our job to live everyday for the Lord, not to mourn what we cannot do.

Even my friend that just lost her son. One day she will begin to see good come from this unexpected tragedy. Lives will be touched by his life, their loss; who knows what amazing things God can do from this experience. Another friend that lost her baby to cancer, many years ago now, continues to share her testimony as to how God provided for them in the darkest hour.

we cried today and soon we will rejoice. we mourn for the loss of a child and loss of health for my daughter but we all cling to each other and lift each other up to our maker.

the one again, who knows his plans for us:

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

and if you can count on anything; it is God. For he is the ever unchanging.

our friend

Last Sunday, just 6 days ago, my kids ran upto my friend and greeted her with a big hug.

my two little ones grabbed her legs and our six year old waited for her turn for a hug. They were all so excited to see her.She used to help take care of our twins in the nursery on Sunday mornings.she is one of the few friends that I have had since before and after I became a Christian.

We met her at our oldest daughter's private school when our daughter was in first grade. My husband and I were soon to separate and our life wasn't going so well. Financially we were fine but we were spiritually deprived. we were empty inside. we had returned from living in India for 6 months and were trying to decide which path to take next.

Another friend had recommended this school and we signed our daughter up. This new friend that we had just made, the same friend we had just hugged on Sunday, had begun praying for our family. I didn't know it at the time, but she told me years later. she had seen some of our troubles and prayed.

At the time, I wanted nothing to do with Christianity, I just wanted a good school for my daughter.

I thought the answer was to separate from my husband and take 100% control of my life and move forward. God had other plans.

I don't know who all was praying for us, but my friend has told me of atleast two others. But realistically, there were hundreds of others that we had come into contact over the years as a couple and even years before that as just myself.

and then there was my daughter. people prayed for her too.

my daughter began to change. she began to blossom. she began to be full of life. I wanted to find out why.

I began to attend the church on Sunday that was affiliated with her school. All of my independent liberal thinking, feminist ideals; left wing idealism, went out the window. my interest in Buddhism and any religion can work for you, dissipated. my heart was crying out for God alone. none of my beliefs suddenly mattered anymore.I gave it all to Jesus. and my life began to turn around. my friend said that she heard the news through others and had been so excited to finally see me several days later. She said that I looked different, I had a glow. the darkness had been lifted.

It's amazing to hear these stories years later, because she had never shared those observations with me, before.

my husband saw the change in me and began coming to the same church and a year later he gave his life to Christ. We began to get counseling and with God's help, saved our marriage.

That was 12 years ago.

We have been through many trials through the years but have always had faith that God was leading us. We keep our eyes wide open now to see what God is doing in our lives.

My friend has been there for us throughout the years. She called me the day she heard our daughter had broken her leg. She showed up with her son and brought a dinner for us. She has come to our children's birthdays and grown with us along side our family. She knew us before with one child and a struggling marriage and now with five children and a solid faith.

That day we saw her on Sunday and my kids gave her a great big hug, she asked about my sweetie and how we are doing. I told her that it is still a great challenge. I am tired and still carrying a weight and responsibility that will never go away.

well, five days later... her 19 year old son died.

we didn't know it was coming. we were talking about my daughter's struggles, when in fact, it was her son, that had needed the prayer. He had a seizure in the night and didn't recover.

we heard the news yesterday. They had three sons and now they have two. one is in heaven.

how can she carry on?

The only comfort she has right now is that God is in control. He has her son. just as God carries my daughter in his protective arms.

It amazes me that we all carry this diabetic burden with our children for us diabetic moms yet tragedy can still sweep down and take another child when we aren't looking. we walk everyday knowing that our child's well being depends on us monitoring, injecting, checking, feeding...yet someone else that doesn't have these worries and burdens can still lose their child too.

Our hearts are grieving right now for our friend and her family as she slowly begins to put one foot in front of the other again.

one prayer at a time.