we are expecting!

Our little sweeties will have a new little brother or sister by Halloween this year!  We are thrilled!  Some people worry about having another child after a diagnosis of diabetes, but we believe that every child is a blessing from God and we are thankful that God is blessing us and entrusting us with another little one.

little sweetie's broken arm

Our little sweetie just got her cast off on Monday, after a four week stint wearing a pink cast.  After school one day, her dad took her to an inground playground where she fell off of the slide and managed to crack her wrist.  She then spent hours in the doctor's office then hospital as she had a temporary cast put on through the weekend and then a more solid cast that following Monday.  Her sister was in a talent show that night and she insisted on coming to see the talent show from the hospital with her fresh cast!  They knew that there were at least two skits with songs from the movie Frozen in the show and couldn't wait to see them!

So she had many sign her cast including her faithful endo and nurse!  and it is already behind her now!

my other daughter and Mary Murphy!

I wanted to share something exciting that happened to my eldest daughter the other night!  We love to watch So You Think you can Dance, late at night, after the little ones are asleep or in between night checks for our little sweetie.  My eldest daughter loves to dance and has found tons of places now that she and her friends frequent, learning all kinds of dance styles.  She was even recently approached by one of the dance instructors that she too could train to be an instructor because she stood out in her dancing ability!

The other night, she decided to go to one of her favorite dance studios before they went clubbing and dancing for fun!  As she checked in at the entrance, she was informed that Mary Murphy was there that night helping instruct different dances!  As they danced, my daughter and her friends moved through the dance line until my daughter was dancing with THE Mary Murphy!

My daughter and her friend just days before had driven all the way to Hollywood to try to meet her there on the National Dance Awareness Day and they couldn't manage to find the park that it was held at. (they are still teenagers).  So, it worked out that she just happened to bump into her in an even better setting!  This reminded me of the time that my daughter and I, years ago, went to Santa Barbara to meet the Dalai Lama and then years later actually traveled to Dharamsala, India, where the Dalai Lama lives, and he was vacationing in Europe at the time!  Sometimes what you go looking for is right close to home.  Write that down.

Anyways.  exciting event and my daughter deserved the treat.  She is our right hand person when we need a break from diabetes.  and boy can she dance!

doctor visit

we went to the pediatrician today. she had a fever on monday and slept all afternoon yesterday. then she developed a rash. her numbers have been high for several days and I was worried. Our pediatrician thoroughly checked her out. she determined that she has a virus that will eventually go away. her rash is due to a new bar of soap that I had put in the bathroom. and her numbers needed to be adjusted. She had me call our endocrynologist from her office. she was concerned that he glucose was too high in her urine. but when I checked her with her meter I knew she was high already. she was 313. so our endo made some adjustments to her ratios and long acting lantus to bring her down.

I came home relieved. I was worried she was going backwards. she had lost two pounds in the last two weeks.

fellow mothers of diabetic children were discussing the misconception that people have that someday we will have our child's diabetes under control. I have had this comment said to me several times. "Soon you will have her diabetes under control, right, and life will go back to normal?" "and you can sleep more? not worry as much? she can eat what she wants? "

Her life will always be managed. Right now at the very little age of four, we have the huge responsibility of balancing her scale daily, hourly, to try to keep her in the best health that we can. It will always be like this, just handed over to her at some point. but we will still worry.

If anyone feels so gracious as to help with a donation. we need another bracelet for her! The one that I finally purchased, broke. argh! so there is the first item on her christmas list. next item, a lalaloopsy doll!

another scare...

just days after her fourth birthday...

I took our sweetie and her two brothers to our church morning Bible study where they have a kids program too. I left the three of them in their class and went to my Bible study group.

I told the teachers to call me if there is a problem. Later I would realize that my cell phone had died unnoticed.

As we were ending our discussion, my kids' teacher ran upto my group and said, "Did you get my message? Your daughter has fallen asleep." what???!!!!!! no. my phone was dead!!!

I grabbed my meter and sprinted out of the room. My leader yelled after me, "what's your daughter's name?" and proceeded to begin to pray for her.

I ran ahead of the teacher down the long hallways and then down two flights of stairs. I ran down the hallway and sprinted into her classroom. There she lay, face down on the floor, asleep with the other teacher, kneeling beside her. They said that she had playing on the playground and tripped and fallen and gotten a bloody lip. She hadn't cried and then began two sweat and then lay down and fall asleep.

I opened her meter and put in the test strip. I was praying as I tried to steady my hands. I tested her little finger and it said 127. Low but not low. I tested again. 153. again. 138. hmm. I pick her up and try to wake her. she doesn't wake up. I tickle her, move her, talk to her. she finally wakes a bit. but she is still drowsy. she doesn't want to drink anything. she wants to go back to sleep. A nap at this time, just doesn't make sense.

By now, my group leader, a nurse, joined us in the room. She brought another friend, a nurse too. we are all looking at her and talking to her and trying to get her to drink something. The teacher had run down the hall and gotten some apple juice to sip to try to wake her up. The more we talked the more she started to sit up. She went to the snack table and finally started to eat. She then quickly ate two whole halves of an English muffin. She was acting like she had been real low.

We all decide that I should call the on call nurse for her doctor. My group leader hands me her phone. We get through and answer lots of questions, the nurse on the phone decides that we need to have her seen by the doctor.

Everyone helps me gather our stuff and kids and get them to the car. A friend comes over to watch the kids while I take our sweetie to the doctor.

The doctor decides that there is no evidence of head trauma. She thinks it was a diabetes incident.

When I call our endocronologist, she decides it sounded like head trauma, see pediatrician.

When I called a friend who has a diabetic son, her opinion was it sounded diabetic.

What could I have done differently to prevent this from happening again? That's what I want to know. not give her the half unit of insulin I gave her to adjust her before I dropped her off? Check her before she had her snack before I dropped her off? make sure my cell phone is charged? make sure I always have the glucagon pen with me?

My whole group began to pray as soon as I began to run down the hallway after her. A few of us think that God intervened. He jump started her and turned around her blood sugar levels and woke her up without glucagon.

My daughter's verse for the week is Romans 8:28. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. "

I learned through all of this, when I was scared to death that I was going to have to call 911 and somehow pour apple juice down her throat to revive her, that there are a lot of great people at my church that care about us.

She is now home and in bed, asleep. okay for now. just when we start to relax a bit and feel we have everything under control. God reminds us to let go of the reigns and let Him drive.

God's blessings and God's helpers

I am thankful that God gave me the children that he did. I have a friend on facebook that takes in foster children. He said that recently they were meeting their newest foster child. A 3 year old with Leukemia.

It made me stop and think about how many people don't want to deal with noisy kids or lots of homework or disciplining their children properly or getting help for their kids when they need help or adding a chronic disease to the family.

My mentor and I were talking the other day about how it was God's plan that I became a credentialed special education teacher. I am naturally a very compassionate person but also now I am educated as to what to look for in developing children and how to intervene when something developmentally doesn't seem right.

I was reading an article the other day about a woman that had preemie twins that had to stay in the NICU at the hospital for awhile after they were born. One of the twins did not survive. This woman now goes back to the NICU every Christmas and brings gifts for the moms with children in there and offers a sympathetic ear to the worn out moms.

This made me think of my trials. What we have been through in our lives and how my stories can encourage others. Not only did we have preemie twins in the NICU that thank goodness did survive, but then we also had a three year old in a body cast and then later on a daughter diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. Not only have we survived one medical ordeal, we have survived several!

And now I think about our friend that is the foster father. He takes in so many chronically ill children that aren't wanted by their families. It makes me think, "what if my daughter had gone to another family?" "Would they have taken good care of her?" "Would they have wanted her?"

We have a neighbor that asked me one day if I was going to have any more children. She definitely didn't think it was a good idea. In her view, five was enough. I don't know if she has children or not. If she does, they are grown.

Does our society value children? Why are there so many abused and neglected children in our country? We have reliable electricity, clean drinking water, food pantries, free medical care available, free schools, free school lunches...

when I lived in India, I saw a love and respect for children of middle class families that I didn't see here in America. Children seemed to be treated as a joy not a bother. This is a generalization but I didn't see as much of the frustrated parents as I run into in Target in America, in India. A third world country that is supposedly behind America developmentally, yet I beg to differ. 120 degree weather in the summer and no reliable electricity, yet their children are well taken care of and loved. (middle class children)

Before I get pregnant, everytime, God has given me the name of the child that is to come. He has handpicked each child and tells me of who they are to be. There is a plan for each of my children, just as there is for every child that God creates.

Whether my child has speech delays, diabetes, a broken leg, a strong will, or a whiny day. My children, as all children, are gifts from God and I am thankful that my children's needs are still met and they are provided for in my home, no matter how much work is required or how tired I am.

God bless my friend that shows God's love to the children whose parents don't accept the challenge.

and now I need to go check on my daughter.

graduations

We had a busy week last week. We had prom, senior awards night, kindergarten graduation, high school graduation, grad night, grad party, and ended the week with family photos.

I was pleased looking back, that we survived all of it! I was nervous taking our whole family to several of these events but it all went well.

we had family come visit from out of town. Our daughter was awarded two awards for her senior year. Even though she felt like an underachiever at her amazing school! This year, her school had five valedictorians because they all tied with 4.9 gpa's!

One child down, four to go as someone said. but we are not done. she will still be here next year attending the junior college with hopes to transfer to her university the following year. and I don't think I will ever write my child off as "done" anyways! we are all works in progress even if just over a cup of coffee and scones to assess the wisdom of her next decision.

my kindergartener is finally ready for first grade. we had her do two years. she was a year younger than the others the first time around so now she is really ready for the challenge of writing extensive papers and coloring inside the lines.

we are getting used to traveling with our youngest diabetic daughter. she made it through several events with her petunia pickle bottom toddler bag packed with granola bars and apple juice, insulin in an insulated bag and needles, the big scary emergency shot and her lifeline: the meter.

she was able to indulge in ice cream topped with gummy worms, sprinkles, and chocolate syrup after the kindergarten ceremony. I liberally guessed 20 carbs or naively and gave her half a unit of insulin to cover the extravagant lunch time snack. But she survived. we came home and had lunch and adjusted her and off to rest time. No one even commented on the shot being given to her in the midst of the celebration.

At the highschool graduation, our sweetie became more restless as the ceremony allowed for many speeches and award announcements and no promise of ice cream immediately following the ceremony. Only a stroller ride back to her uncle's house who conveniently lives across the street from where we were. (free and convenient parking).

we gave her a granola bar in the gym to hold her off until we got home and later at home she had some party food (chips?) I don't really remember after the blur of our week! What I do remember was bringing her into the kitchen before I formally fed her and remembering to test her. When the meter read "dangerously high, over 600" I completely but calmly, panicked! A guest had just arrived and I said "hold on, I'm paging the doctor! with meter and needle in hand.

The doctor called back promptly and said just correct for over 500. 1 1/2 units of insulin. Now I remember. She had drank a capri sun apple juice from the cooler of party drinks. ( with, obviously no insulin) that's right. the doctor wasn't concerned just said to give her insulin and re check in a while. hang up.

okay then. we did. and she did come down.

so we all survived. we all made it through several new chapters in our lives. three in our family. since january of this year. diabetes. k graduation and a highschool graduate. sassiness in tact.

A grief filled cry...

I finally cried today. At the end of our church service, our pastor invited people to come up front and request prayer. several people went up and knelt at the steps. Various elders in our church went over and prayed with them.

Then we looked over and saw the mother of the boy who had just tragically died two days ago. She stepped from side to side, edging her way out of her pew. She slowly made her way down the aisle. She stood up front, at first by herself, and then raised her hand up to God, as if trying to reach to heaven itself, and prayed. A prayer full of agony.

Her husband then slowly walked down the aisle and fell to his knees, head in his hands. People began to come out of their seats and walk down the aisle to join them. A group began to surround them as they prayed only prayers that the heartbroken can understand.

Our music leader was playing his guitar and singing. The song was ending but he just kept singing. prayer was so desperately needed at that moment that no one wanted to move.

There was a box of kleenex set on the stage right next to the mom. As needed she reached over and clutched her face in one. You could see the agony on her. It was as if she had dragged herself out of her bedroom to take time to come to church. we had a glimpse of her pain for an hour and then for her to return to her mourning ground. never letting up. never letting that pain go. still desperately clinging to her son.

when she spoke with others, she mentioned items of her sons that triggered more memories and fresh sadness and raw pain.

When the pastor gently prayed for the family and the church, he then officially concluded the service. the group that was surrounding the family, began to take turns hugging the parents and slowly exiting, quietly, respectfully. faces full of pain and tears too.

My husband and I made our way over to them. A new line had formed. my husband went over to the dad and gave him a big hug. Our children were waiting for us in their classroom, but we wanted to let these parents know that we have been praying too and share in their pain.

It was finally my turn. I gave her a hug and held tight. I began to try to form words, but just began to cry. I cried for her pain and her family. For her son, for her remaining sons. for the pain they had to carry.

I have been carrying my own pain for our daughter for almost six weeks now and needed someone to share in our pain too. I cried for all of us moms that carry such pain for our children. Pain that the childless just don't know. Pain that mothers of healthy children just don't know. Pain, we shouldn't have to know.

In the midst of our tears, I hear her say, "your family is such a blessing to us. always a blessing." I couldn't believe it. I felt so inadequate to even give her a hug. I felt like I could never be enough for what she needed right now and yet, she tells ME, that I am a blessing. God bless her.

moments before, as I had edged my way from my seat into the aisle to make my way over to the grieving mother, another woman had edged down the aisle from her seat to come talk to me.

I was caught off guard. my whole focus had been on making my way over to my friend to try to take some of her grief off of her shoulders, and another woman had come to talk to me.

This woman is the grandmother of another little girl who has survived cancer three times. This grandmother has been reading my blog and wanted to take a moment to encourage me. I suddenly had felt so humbled and unworthy of our struggles compared to my friend's. yet this grandmother also knew my pain and wanted to share some of my own grief. God took a moment to remind me that my grief and what we are going through is still important too.

one death, one new diagnosis and one who has beat the odds, three times. All of us have joined a club that is referred to as "the club you don't want to be part of ". We are mothers who know the pain of grieving for your children and grandchildren. we see innocence taken and know that they shouldn't have to deal with such things. Yet what do these children know? Her son is in heaven, my daughter is a happy 3 year old and the granddaughter is an amazing light to whomever she encounters. I actually had the privilege of working with my friend's middle son and this other woman's granddaughter when I was teaching. They both used to come by my classroom and say "Hi".

Most of these kids, don't know any other way. They are resilient because they are young and naive. They haven't seen all the choices that we have already and they don't know many alternatives. These children can be an example to us grieving parents as to what really is important in life. If they are joyful and still thankful, then we should be too. After all, what is life really all about? whether they have 3 years, 19 years, or 42 years to live, it is our job to live everyday for the Lord, not to mourn what we cannot do.

Even my friend that just lost her son. One day she will begin to see good come from this unexpected tragedy. Lives will be touched by his life, their loss; who knows what amazing things God can do from this experience. Another friend that lost her baby to cancer, many years ago now, continues to share her testimony as to how God provided for them in the darkest hour.

we cried today and soon we will rejoice. we mourn for the loss of a child and loss of health for my daughter but we all cling to each other and lift each other up to our maker.

the one again, who knows his plans for us:

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

and if you can count on anything; it is God. For he is the ever unchanging.

our friend

Last Sunday, just 6 days ago, my kids ran upto my friend and greeted her with a big hug.

my two little ones grabbed her legs and our six year old waited for her turn for a hug. They were all so excited to see her.She used to help take care of our twins in the nursery on Sunday mornings.she is one of the few friends that I have had since before and after I became a Christian.

We met her at our oldest daughter's private school when our daughter was in first grade. My husband and I were soon to separate and our life wasn't going so well. Financially we were fine but we were spiritually deprived. we were empty inside. we had returned from living in India for 6 months and were trying to decide which path to take next.

Another friend had recommended this school and we signed our daughter up. This new friend that we had just made, the same friend we had just hugged on Sunday, had begun praying for our family. I didn't know it at the time, but she told me years later. she had seen some of our troubles and prayed.

At the time, I wanted nothing to do with Christianity, I just wanted a good school for my daughter.

I thought the answer was to separate from my husband and take 100% control of my life and move forward. God had other plans.

I don't know who all was praying for us, but my friend has told me of atleast two others. But realistically, there were hundreds of others that we had come into contact over the years as a couple and even years before that as just myself.

and then there was my daughter. people prayed for her too.

my daughter began to change. she began to blossom. she began to be full of life. I wanted to find out why.

I began to attend the church on Sunday that was affiliated with her school. All of my independent liberal thinking, feminist ideals; left wing idealism, went out the window. my interest in Buddhism and any religion can work for you, dissipated. my heart was crying out for God alone. none of my beliefs suddenly mattered anymore.I gave it all to Jesus. and my life began to turn around. my friend said that she heard the news through others and had been so excited to finally see me several days later. She said that I looked different, I had a glow. the darkness had been lifted.

It's amazing to hear these stories years later, because she had never shared those observations with me, before.

my husband saw the change in me and began coming to the same church and a year later he gave his life to Christ. We began to get counseling and with God's help, saved our marriage.

That was 12 years ago.

We have been through many trials through the years but have always had faith that God was leading us. We keep our eyes wide open now to see what God is doing in our lives.

My friend has been there for us throughout the years. She called me the day she heard our daughter had broken her leg. She showed up with her son and brought a dinner for us. She has come to our children's birthdays and grown with us along side our family. She knew us before with one child and a struggling marriage and now with five children and a solid faith.

That day we saw her on Sunday and my kids gave her a great big hug, she asked about my sweetie and how we are doing. I told her that it is still a great challenge. I am tired and still carrying a weight and responsibility that will never go away.

well, five days later... her 19 year old son died.

we didn't know it was coming. we were talking about my daughter's struggles, when in fact, it was her son, that had needed the prayer. He had a seizure in the night and didn't recover.

we heard the news yesterday. They had three sons and now they have two. one is in heaven.

how can she carry on?

The only comfort she has right now is that God is in control. He has her son. just as God carries my daughter in his protective arms.

It amazes me that we all carry this diabetic burden with our children for us diabetic moms yet tragedy can still sweep down and take another child when we aren't looking. we walk everyday knowing that our child's well being depends on us monitoring, injecting, checking, feeding...yet someone else that doesn't have these worries and burdens can still lose their child too.

Our hearts are grieving right now for our friend and her family as she slowly begins to put one foot in front of the other again.

one prayer at a time.