facing my fears

Today was one week from when we just had our big scary incident of our sweetie very quietly laying down and falling asleep. at a time that she shouldn't have fallen asleep. In the middle of a play group full of fun and crafts and outside playtime. The doctor still says that it wasn't low blood sugar yet everything but her number of 127 said low blood sugar.

I couldn't wake her up.

When we walked down the hallway today, on our way to their group, We were met by one of the other leaders that is a nurse. She came down to speak with us about what had happened last week. She had also come to make sure that the leaders were comfortable this week about working with our sweetie.

I am very thankful that they were willing to take care of her again this week. If I were one of them, I might have said, "no way!" This is way too much to deal with. Instead they were willing to be educated today and have a plan of action if something were to happen again.

Praise God for that!

I feel dumb that my cell phone was dead last week and made a point to show them that my phone was indeed charged this week. We were educated about worst case scenario yet we were starting to get lax about being fully prepared. I figured that I was there and it would be easy to handle if something happened.

Now I know how fast things can turn. I don't know exactly what went wrong last week. All I can figure is that I gave her too much insulin for her snack before I took her in. Or the combination of her fall and playing and not having an additional snack was too much. I don't know for sure. I have to give myself grace. I can't beat myself up about what I should have done or could have done. I still have to deal with diabetes again and again every hour, every day for the rest of her life. I can't afford the luxury of time to spend pondering anything at this stage.

When my dad died years ago, it was one of the most heartbreaking events that I have been through. What sustained me through it though was knowing that everytime I became sad and missed him and thought of the tragedy that he was gone; God reassured me over and over that my Dad was with him and it was his time.

This is exactly how I reconcile these current events too. Last Thursday could have been fatal, yet it wasn't and God showed me over and over after the event that HE was with my daughter and me and HE is the author of life and death and she will go when he says she will.

Our faith has been strengthened and so has the faith of the people that we have shared this story with. And the funny thing is...after I had become a Christian, I never quite understood the whole idea of Creationism verse evolution. Yet after I know that Jesus confirmed to me that HE is the author of life and death (Revelation 1:17) It made me look at this world through all new eyes.

and that is the amazing thing about Revelation.

and again my other daughter's Bible verse for this week is: "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Genesis 50:20

Another scare revisited...

I keep revisiting the events of Thursday. Running down a long hallway with meter in hand, not knowing the fate of my daughter. Having trouble waking her and then later having the endocronologist not convinced that she truly was suffering from low blood sugar because her numbers were 127.

I've talked with other moms of diabetic children and so far we have concluded that it was low blood sugar. Some moms have told me that sometimes in defense, your body can shoot a dose of glucose into your system to essentially "jumpstart" you again. As the glucagon shot tries to do. simulating the body's natural function.

we prayed.

was it divine intervention or luck?

when I was in church on Sunday, I was sitting in the pew listening to an amazing testimony by a young man. He was sharing how God had transformed his life from a drug user to clean and sober. His testimony brought tears to my eyes. I remembered the transforming power of God in my own life. He transformed me years ago. from a cynical academic to a submissive believer.

While I was sitting there, my husband texted me. He was still at home with our children to meet us soon. He asked what to do about our daughter. Her numbers were high. Should he give her more insulin?

I stepped outside to call him. As I walked into the lobby, one of the teachers that had been with my daughter on Thursday, walked by. She asked how she was doing. I was feeling overwhelmed with the heaviness of diabetes again.

When I went back into church, I thought I heard a woman loudly whisper behind me. When I turned to look, there was no one directly behind me. Then my ears plugged up and began to ring. Then they were fine again.

When I went home later that day. I was standing in my kitchen preparing lunch and I felt a hand on my left shoulder. I turned to see who it was... yet no one was there.

Tonight, I went to my Bible study and we are studying Revelation in the New Testament. When we began our study, this is what I read:

"I turned around to see the voice that was speaking to me" Revelation 1:12

"when God speaks, it can sound like rushing water" paraphrased from Ezekiel 43:2

"Then he placed his right hand on me and said "Do not be afraid". I am the First and the Last. I am the Living one; I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever! I hold the keys of death..." Revelation 1:17, 18

God is always with us. He was there when my daughter fell. He was with me in church and again in my kitchen. He then spoke through his study to me tonight. HE is the author of life. HE is in control. HE protected my daughter and HE reassured me.

Whether people believe or are skeptics. Everything of the events from Thursday on point to God being in control. Just moments before I went running, our group was just discussing the spiritual world that exists but we are not able to see. We just don't know what God protects us from when things happen. How much worse it could have been. and just the week before, I had told my group that I was learning to continue to trust God with my children because we just can't control what happens to them all of the time. Some time God likes to show us what we are talking about.

We praise you over and over for all that you do for us.

another scare...

just days after her fourth birthday...

I took our sweetie and her two brothers to our church morning Bible study where they have a kids program too. I left the three of them in their class and went to my Bible study group.

I told the teachers to call me if there is a problem. Later I would realize that my cell phone had died unnoticed.

As we were ending our discussion, my kids' teacher ran upto my group and said, "Did you get my message? Your daughter has fallen asleep." what???!!!!!! no. my phone was dead!!!

I grabbed my meter and sprinted out of the room. My leader yelled after me, "what's your daughter's name?" and proceeded to begin to pray for her.

I ran ahead of the teacher down the long hallways and then down two flights of stairs. I ran down the hallway and sprinted into her classroom. There she lay, face down on the floor, asleep with the other teacher, kneeling beside her. They said that she had playing on the playground and tripped and fallen and gotten a bloody lip. She hadn't cried and then began two sweat and then lay down and fall asleep.

I opened her meter and put in the test strip. I was praying as I tried to steady my hands. I tested her little finger and it said 127. Low but not low. I tested again. 153. again. 138. hmm. I pick her up and try to wake her. she doesn't wake up. I tickle her, move her, talk to her. she finally wakes a bit. but she is still drowsy. she doesn't want to drink anything. she wants to go back to sleep. A nap at this time, just doesn't make sense.

By now, my group leader, a nurse, joined us in the room. She brought another friend, a nurse too. we are all looking at her and talking to her and trying to get her to drink something. The teacher had run down the hall and gotten some apple juice to sip to try to wake her up. The more we talked the more she started to sit up. She went to the snack table and finally started to eat. She then quickly ate two whole halves of an English muffin. She was acting like she had been real low.

We all decide that I should call the on call nurse for her doctor. My group leader hands me her phone. We get through and answer lots of questions, the nurse on the phone decides that we need to have her seen by the doctor.

Everyone helps me gather our stuff and kids and get them to the car. A friend comes over to watch the kids while I take our sweetie to the doctor.

The doctor decides that there is no evidence of head trauma. She thinks it was a diabetes incident.

When I call our endocronologist, she decides it sounded like head trauma, see pediatrician.

When I called a friend who has a diabetic son, her opinion was it sounded diabetic.

What could I have done differently to prevent this from happening again? That's what I want to know. not give her the half unit of insulin I gave her to adjust her before I dropped her off? Check her before she had her snack before I dropped her off? make sure my cell phone is charged? make sure I always have the glucagon pen with me?

My whole group began to pray as soon as I began to run down the hallway after her. A few of us think that God intervened. He jump started her and turned around her blood sugar levels and woke her up without glucagon.

My daughter's verse for the week is Romans 8:28. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. "

I learned through all of this, when I was scared to death that I was going to have to call 911 and somehow pour apple juice down her throat to revive her, that there are a lot of great people at my church that care about us.

She is now home and in bed, asleep. okay for now. just when we start to relax a bit and feel we have everything under control. God reminds us to let go of the reigns and let Him drive.

Happy Birthday!!!!

Today is our sweetie's and her twin brother's 4th birthday!!!! They have opened presents and eaten donuts! This is her first birthday with diabetes. We are so thankful that we have good doctors and that she was diagnosed. we are thankful we have health insurance and a good friend that also has type 1 diabetes that can help us when we need guidance. We continue to grow and learn just as she does. Please make a donation in honor of our little sweetie honoring her and her last 7 months. Happy Birthday!!

dollar donations for juvenile diabetes

I went into the store Marshall's, tonight. I was shopping for my sweeties upcoming birthday. September 20, she will be four. I haven't thought about the title of this blog...for now she will stay indefinitely three. Just as I am indefinitely 29. But I don't walk around with a title. Just tired.

When I walked upto the register to pay for my items, I noticed that they had balloons tied at the registers. They were all stamped JDRF. Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation. Marshall's is currently asking their customers to donate money to help further research for Juvenile Diabetes.

That moment of realization seemed so surreal to me. Almost a trip into a vortex. The 17 year old girl ringing me up probably taped the signs at her register as she was told to do. Somebody blew up balloons with helium and tied them to the stations at the counter. A manager probably told every young employee that a new procedure that they had to follow now was to ask each customer if they would like to donate a dollar to help cure Juvenile Diabetes.

Every dollar being collected now suddenly was coming back to me. This campaign is for my family. But will it really benefit us? We are the real thing standing in the middle of all of these customers and amongst all of these inflated balloons, but how does their dollar change my life? Most of these people don't even know that we are a living example of this campaign and what living with diabetes even means. Or even how people become diabetic or how serious it is and how even a little three year old can suddenly find herself in a hospital bed with an IV and not hear the whispered conversations of the doctors deciding how close to death she really was at diagnosis.

Just like at Babies R Us, you can add a dollar to your purchase to help research Autism. Or at the pet store, you can add a dollar to help animal shelters.

This prepackaged marketing campaign that shows up in kits to be displayed for a set time actually represented us. It was like walking into a store that had strung photos of us all over the store. Like walking down a maternity aisle pregnant. Like watching a film about a cancer survivor while lying in a hospital bed with cancer. It was real. It was no longer just a marketing campaign to help us all feel better about spending our money in a store on extraneous items. Suddenly the JDRF letters came into focus and meant something.

Very convenient and yet does anyone even know what Juvenile Diabetes is? or where their money really goes? People just dutifully give a dollar or don't. Then take their purchases and leave. Do they feel good about giving a dollar? Or do they feel good that they didn't give a dollar?

Before my 17 year old attendant, could ask me if I would like to convienently add a dollar to my purchase. (ironically for my diabetic daughter's birthday!). I pointed to the sign taped to her counter. I said, "my daughter has diabetes." Then I just looked at her. She responded with a very sad look and a response of "ohhhh." and then proceeded to ask if I would like to give a dollar. I pulled out a photo of my daughter and said "here she is...she has diabetes...we live with it everyday." Again she responded with a sad face and "ohhhhh". (imagine sad pucker and downward expression)

She asked me if we participate in the JDRF walks. I said, not yet. She was only recently diagnosed. Insert here, another sad pouty face. She proceeded to tell me how some people are happy to donate money and some people get angry and don't want to donate. I said, "I think a lot of people just don't understand what diabetes is." She agreed.

and with that, I said thank you and left yet another uneducated person about diabetes. It wasn't the time to start teaching her about what it is. But I did tell her before I left that she just met a real mother of a real person living with diabetes. So the next customer she asks for a dollar, she can tell them about me and my sweetie.

and ironically, a store can hang signs and validate a worthy cause and encourage you to donate money and yet we mother's still run into people that just don't understand what diabetes is and what needs our children have and make our paths even harder.

tell people to read my blog. Money is nice, but education is always cheaper in the long run.